IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on society. Others deny that these have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #influence #behaviour
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Some
people
Use synonyms
 consider that
violence
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 on
television
Use synonyms
 and in computer
games
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 has a negative impact on
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others disagree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that it has some benefits on
people
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’s
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
show examples
. Personally, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because of its detrimental effect on
people
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’s
health
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 and
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inspiration
Correct article usage
the inspiration
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of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crime
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. First and foremost,
crime
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contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 on
television
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 are affecting
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health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of youngsters, elderly
people
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, and pregnant women in a negative. Since they are in sensitive age of lifecycle, these kinds of contents unconsciously influence their body and mind. After watching
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violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
 news on
tv
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channel
Fix the agreement mistake
channels
show examples
,
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health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of pregnant women could become worse caused
by
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of
show examples
 fear and confusion
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
news
Correct article usage
the news
show examples
. It is proven that pregnant women are likely to receive information by overreacting
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
violence
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 provides shocking information about
Add an article
the case
show examples
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
crime
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 and death news bring more impact
to
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on
show examples
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 and
youngsters
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youngsters'
youngster's
show examples
health
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.
For some
Change preposition
Some
show examples
 elderly
people
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, they could face heart
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
 after hearing and watching
violence
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 on
tv
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 because of their age and
health
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 condition.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is interesting to note that
violence
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 on
television
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 and computer
games
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 could take
inspiration
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of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 new cases. There are many youngsters watching
violence
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 on
tv
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 and unconsciously
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
inspiration
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 from
content
Correct article usage
the content
show examples
. We can see that our kids easily copy actions and
conversation
Fix the agreement mistake
conversations
show examples
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
show examples
 on
television
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 because of their age. It leads them to be involved in some cases in
teenage
Correct pronoun usage
their teenage
show examples
. There is
survey
Add an article
a survey
the survey
show examples
 that children who watch
violence
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 or play these kinds of
games
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 would like to do
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crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 because of their
inspiration
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 from that. Unfortunately, these contents
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
possible
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
inspire anyone to do
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crime
Correct article usage
a crime
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 by its repetition on
tv
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 recent survey conducted, it is said that
crime
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 and
violence
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 on
tv
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 affecting on
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 mind like advertising on
tv
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. In a conclusion, some
people
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 think that
violence
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 on
tv
Use synonyms
 and computer
games
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 affecting
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the community
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative
Change the word
negatively
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others believe that it has some benefits.
For
Change preposition
Me
show examples
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it has
overall
Linking Words
 disadvantages including
bad
Add an article
the bad
show examples
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on
health
Use synonyms
 and creating
Use synonyms
inspiration
Add an article
the inspiration
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crime
Use synonyms
.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggressive behavior
  • emotional and psychological development
  • impair
  • empathy
  • contributing factor
  • distinction
  • fiction and reality
  • mature audiences
  • reflective
  • prevalence
  • societal issues
What to do next:
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