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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by two major mail services companies from 1920 to 2000.

The diagram below gives information about the number of parcels delivered by two major mail services companies from 1920 to 2000.
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The given linear graph
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
amount
Add an article
the amount
show examples
 of package delivered by Federal Express and TNT mail services during 80 years period.
overall
Linking Words
,
distribution
Correct article usage
the distribution
show examples
 of parcel
were
Change the verb form
was
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 gradually increased by TNT
while
Linking Words
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of that of Federal Express had
lot
Change the article
a lot
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 of fluctuations. In 1920, 15000 of
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
delivered
Add a missing verb
were delivered
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 by Federal Express and increased
markly
Correct your spelling
markedly
 up to about 23000 until 1940 and
then
Linking Words
 drastically
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 during 10 years
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
period.
Further
Linking Words
 reduced till 1960 and began to rise up in
little
Add an article
a little
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 bit of slow manner. That trend
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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changed again when
amount
Correct article usage
the amount
show examples
 started to go down marginally
1980
Change preposition
from 1980
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 to 2000.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
distributing
Replace the word
distribution
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 of
Add an article
the parcel
a parcel
show examples
parcel
Fix the agreement mistake
parcels
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 by TNT
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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marginally climbed
up
Change preposition
apply
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until 1980 with some fluctuation and
sour
Wrong verb form
soured
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 up to 27500 in 1990. Even the federal Federal Express was the major delivery service in 1920 that trend
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
changed and ENT became the number one by 2000.

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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: The word "express" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "marginally" was used 2 times.
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