IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that a family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#factors #child #development #media #pop #culture #friends #point #role
It is believed that today's young people have been directly affected by a variety of factors, which results in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 development.
While
 it is considered by many that phenomenon is
due to
 the emergence of media,
pop
Correct word choice
and pop
show examples
 culture, others believe that it depends on their family or parents. In my opinion,
while
 the cause of modern society has significantly paved the ways youngsters live these days, everyone should be well-prepared and flexible. On the one hand,
to discipline
Change the verb form
disciplining
show examples
 a child is
considerably
Replace the word
considered
show examples
 vital for all parents, especially in
this
 globalised world. The main reason for
this
 is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 those young children are required to be nurtured or educated
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 before they start
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school as the majority of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 time is spent with family.
For instance
, certain positive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 can be encouraged by their parents when they are at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age. In exchange, if they are raised in underdeveloped conditions,
therefore
, they are prone to
mischevious
Correct your spelling
mischievous
 traits.
On the other hand
, there are plenty of several factors that can make a massive impact on
kid's
Correct article usage
a kid's
show examples
 maturity.
In other words
, not only they can be exposed to some explicit media or cultures but they can
also
 experience
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a diversity of friends, which could result in either beneficial or detrimental effects
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their growth. Being in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 suitable environment,
such
 as a friendly society or surrounded by nice friends will contribute to an optimistic future. In primary school,
for instance
, most pupils are likely to
immitate
Correct your spelling
imitate
 their peers' traits
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and needless to say kids will develop certain stages of their growth.
To conclude
,
although
 it is commonly propounded by individuals that
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development could be involved with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 society and
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 around them, others argue that it is simply affected by their family. From my perspective, the cause of
modernised
Correct article usage
the modernised
show examples
 world has
also
 made
this situations
Change the determiner
this situation
these situations
show examples
 more prominent in recent decades.
Submitted by keakyenge on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • development
  • media
  • pop culture
  • peers
  • family
  • social skills
  • beliefs
  • values
  • emotional support
  • moral guidance
  • aspirations
  • self-image
  • social development
  • value system
  • harmony
  • conflict
  • significant
  • behaviors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: