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Band 5.5

More and more children are becoming obese. What are the causes of this and what are the effects?

#children #effects
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Health
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 experts point out that the number of
children
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 who have problems with obesity is increasing.
This
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 fatness in modern young people can be caused by changing their lifestyle and type of daily sustenances.
This
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 essay will discuss the negative effects of obesity on the young generations'
health
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 and work efficiency. In the modern
time
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 zone, in most families both moms and dads have full-
time
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 jobs,
as a result
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, most of them don't have enough
time
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 to pay attention to their
children
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's daily nutrition and in that, case these
children
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 bear the responsibility of their food options for themselves. It is obvious that they prefer to eat cheap and
fast-prepared
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fast
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 food rather than a gourmet meal. It includes an exceeding amount of oil in juveniles' bodies and the lack of vitamins that are crucial for their
health
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. The second reason that leads to corpulence is there a sedentary lifestyle.
While
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 technological development brought numerous advantages for human beings, people, especially,
children
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 are being inactive with the impact of gadgets and other devices that simplify their
life
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lives
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.
As a result
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, most girls and boys are opting for indoor activities than outdoor ones in their leisure
time
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. Turn into the possible effects of being overweight on
children
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, the most obvious implication is seen in their mental
health
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,
besides
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 physical
health
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such
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 as lack of self-confidence and depression. Another adverse impact of obesity can be observed in the lowered levels of productivity in any subject. Obese people are more prone to fatigue than normal ones. In conclusion, it is true that
children
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 in the modern
time
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 zone are becoming obese.
Linking Words
While the
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The
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 factors leading to
this
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 are their inactive lifestyle and attitude toward their food. The implications are connected to various
health
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 disorders and lowered productivity.
Submitted by uskanovjavokhir07 on

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task response
Ensure that all points made in the essay are directly relevant to the task question. Avoid going off-topic or making irrelevant points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, the essay lacks a clear organizational structure and logical progression of ideas. Work on linking ideas and creating a more cohesive flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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