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Band 3.5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and government should stop spending large amount of money on their armed forces . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#world #place #years #government #amount #money #forces
there was significant growth. the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of books
increas
Correct your spelling
increase
increased
 marginally. Nowadays many nations around the world are investing an ample amount of
money
 in their armies . Even though a few years ago, the count of wars
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
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declined but spending
money
 on security would be made
hinders
Wrong verb form
hindered
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by other fields so , I partially agree with
this
 statement
due to
 some reasons which I will explain in
further
 paragraphs. To commence with, if government spend too much
money
 on their armed forces
then
 it would be not beneficial for other sectors. In simple words ,
regime's
Change noun form
regimes
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should stop investing
money
 in security
centre's
Change noun form
centres
show examples
and make focus on other fields
such
 as education, healthcare,
transportation
Correct word choice
and transportation
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 for developing the national economy.
Hence
 , people can take the benefits from them to make their life easier.
However
, worldwide is a safer palace
due to
 authority as it is utilising chunky of
money
 on armed forces which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
protect
Replace the word
protection
show examples
 from wars through
this
 masses can feel safe and enjoy their life with their loved ones . Doing a job as an army man is tough as they have to leave their family and get risk life to save the world so spending huge
money
 on security is necessary to make them feel comfortable.
To conclude
, the regime should make
concentration
Replace the word
concentrate
show examples
 not only on the armed sector but
also
 on other sectors which are indispensable for everyone
such
 as education, transportation, hospitals etc so economic growth can develop.
Submitted by amirhsina on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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