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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 era of technology, most of the youths are self-learning in nature. Being independent they move to a different city or location from their families for work and study.
Furthermore
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, learning in a new environment and moving to another place has more advantages which I agree
.
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with.
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In addition
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, there are more advantages in terms of global exposure to various cultures, traditions, and festivals. One can have more impact on their living and become more broad-minded with respect to time if they move on to another place where
people
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 come from all around the world.
Overall
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,
according to
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 the data international
students
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 exchange more and more traditions and culture.
On the other hand
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,
students
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 become significantly more reliant as compared to the
students
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 who stay with their families. The vast majority of
students
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 become more career-focused and seek out more professional connections to achieve more in their student lives.
According to
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 the data, a minuscule portion of
students
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 become homesick and seek out family connections and affection.
Furthermore
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, some of the young generation
people
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 want to be present with their families in their sickness and health.
For instance
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, these are some of the common disadvantages a significant portion of the
students
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 have in their minds.
This
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 brings us to the conclusion part, we can acknowledge that there are both advantages and disadvantages when it comes to being employed farther from home. Despite having
plethora
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a plethora
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 of issues,
people
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 go to work and study in other cities and states.
For instance
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,
this
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 is a life journey that most
people
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 adapt
according to
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 time.

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task achievement
Ensure that each point is fully developed and supported with specific examples. For instance, when mentioning the advantages of moving away for work, provide more detailed and varied examples to illustrate these advantages effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that the transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth and that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced analysis of the disadvantages. Although you mentioned that some people become homesick, this point could be expanded with more specific examples and a deeper exploration of the emotional or practical challenges faced by those moving away from their families.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the introduction by clearly outlining what the essay will cover. This will provide a clearer road map for the reader and improve the overall structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, try to make your conclusion more impactful by summarizing the main points succinctly and restating your overall position in a compelling way.
task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the prompt and provides a balanced view of both the advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which helps in framing the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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