IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

who cause children obesity? parents or fast food outlets. do you agree or disagree

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There is no denying the fact that the main impact of
obesity
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 is arguable.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
obesity
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 is raising dramatically in developing nations. The question is, What is the
cause
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
such
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 a phenomenon? is it the parenting or external factors
such
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 as marketing canned
food
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 which affected
this
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?
This
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 essay will shed light upon both views and draw my own conclusion.  On the one hand, there are people who argue that advertising convenience
food
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 may increase kids'
obesity
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. The main reason given to support
this
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 claim is that applications
such
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 as hunger
station
Fix the agreement mistake
stations
show examples
 may
cause
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 an
increased
Change the form of the verb
increase
show examples
 in demand for processed
food
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. To illustrate, when the masses view a notification of prepackaged
food
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 on their mobile, they will be motivated to order
such
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food
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.
In other words
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, folks may embolden to consume convenience
food
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 because of the cheap prices for
such
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food
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.
Hence
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, it becomes apparent that advertising for junk
food
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 may deteriorate juveniles' health and causes
obesity
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 to increase.
On the other hand
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, others argued that parenting is the main
cause
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 of
this
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 phenomenon. Folks often have
this
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 opinion because parents should act as role models for their children. To embark, if the youngsters are viewing their family eating that deadly
food
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, they might think it is safe to consume it.
In other words
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, the juveniles may get encouraged to consume
this
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food
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 when their parents buy it for them.
This
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 is because family spend their money on
this
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food
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 as it is cheaper than healthy
food
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,
subsequently
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, their offspring will contemplate the no danger of consuming canned
food
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. Indeed,
this
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 makes it clear that family might be the
cause
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 of their offspring's
obesity
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. In conclusion, raising
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 number of advertisements for prepackaged
food
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 may motivate kids to consume it and become overweight.
Therefore
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, I believe that parents may be responsible for their offspring's
obesity
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 as they are the ones who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 buying
such
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food
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 for their children.

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