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Band 7.5

As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behaviour and that of adults? To what extent are the changes that take place good?

It is evident that with age societal reactions experience significant modifications. There remains some disagreement as to whether these changes are positive or negative. In
this
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 essay, I will argue that they are intrinsically advantageous changes and
also
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 explore primary differences between the social responses of younger generations and older generations. The reasons for
this
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 are as follows. First of all, I believe that being considerate of surrounding
people
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 is one of the laudable traits that could be developed with age. It is indisputable that
children
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 are one of the sources of noise pollution by their nature, particularly, in times of playing. So, it could be accounted as one of the bothering features of
children
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,
while
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 older populations tend to be more considerate of other
people
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. Even more importantly, though,
children
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 have a tendency to rely on
people
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 around them easily, which, would contribute to irreparable consequences,
whereas
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, adults tend to act consciously in relating to
people
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 around them. Admittedly, having been brought up, developing some appealing features is likely to occur with age. Examples of
this
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 include independence, broader social relationships, and problem-solving thinking, which are appreciable in all societies.
Nonetheless
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, in the technology era, the availability of cell phones for
children
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 has exposed them to improper contexts. The environment
thus
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 could have a significant role in nurturing positive or disadvantageous features. By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that
although
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people
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 at younger ages would demonstrate some unpleasant behaviours, they are modifiable, providing the proper environment. So, rather than neglecting
such
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 contributing factors to
children
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's behaviour, paying attention to them could yield greater benefits.

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Support Examples
Consider integrating more specific examples and data to strengthen your claims. Though your arguments are clear, more detailed examples can provide stronger support for your points.
Linking Phrases
Ensure a consistent and varied use of linking phrases. You've done well in structuring your essay and connecting ideas, but utilizing a wider range of connectors can enhance the flow and clarity.
Structure
You have provided a clear structure, with a distinct introduction, development of ideas, and a conclusion, which enhances the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
Task Response
Your essay displays a strong task response, with a clear position taken and a comprehensive exploration of the topic. This is commendable and supports a high score in task achievement.
Balance Between Ideas and Examples
Your essay demonstrates a good balance between expressing general ideas and attempting to provide examples, which is essential for a high score in coherence and cohesion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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