IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

mostly people are becoming seriously overweight ? some say that rising the price of fatty foods will solve this problem . to what extent do you agree or disagree with the essay.

#people #say #price #foods
As an increasing number of
people
 are concerned about
people
 who are overweight , it's interesting to analyse if increasing the fatty
food
cost
 could address
this
 issue. It's hard to deny that adding
food
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
 could reduce the sales of fatty
food
. ,
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
such
 a statement suffers from different opinions. From a personal point of view, I strongly hold that rising the fatty foods
price
 couldn't solve the
obesity
 issue. First and foremost, the
people
 who prefer junk
food
 to a balanced diet because of their unhealthy eating lifestyle. Most fatty
food
 is a deep-fried
meals
Change the noun form
meal
show examples
 with a lot of species to enhance flavour . When
people
 eat unhealthy
food
 will make them feel satisfied.To be more specific,
obesity
 will ingoner the fatty
food
price
 to release stress.
Furthermore
, the
cost
 of fatty
food
 is a low constant of the cheap ingredients. Rising the
price
 of junk
food
 will break the economy. It is common knowledge that healthy
food
 is more expensive than fatty
food
.But if all
food
 becomes much more expensive. It will be hard for the poor to live in society.
For example
, a poor man's fixed expense is only $100 per week, he or she could not afford higher
food
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
.
Nevertheless
, a voice arises that increasing the
price
 of fatty
food
 could reduce
obesity
 consumption desire. In my opinion, it's similar like everyone knowing cigarette is not a good choice for
people
's health. But some
people
 save money on
a cigarettes
Correct the article-noun agreement
cigarettes
a cigarette
show examples
. It means that if
people
 would like to eat unhealthy
food
, they have to reduce other essential expenses,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 rent. In a nutshell, I maintain that rising the
price
 of junk
food
 is not a feasible method to control
people
's weight.
However
,
obesity
 should explore and study how to be more responsible for their health and life.
Submitted by zooeyyu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: