IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays people are influenced by fashion, in particular when choosing their clothes and hairstyle. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own experience.

#people #fashion #clothes #hairstyle #development
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Fashion
 is an important part of today’s human culture. It has a tendency to influence the ways of individuals in terms of dressing and their
hairstyle
. In my opinion, it is a positive and negative development for society.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 issue comprehensively. On the one hand,
fashion
 has contributed to economic growth since it enhances the local and national industries of a country. It means that the trend of
fashion
 is perceived as a potential business. Taking Indonesia as an example, the veil
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 one of the most popular fashions among Muslim women in the
last
 two decades. The great number of
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
potential buyers, since Indonesia is the most populous Muslim nation, is the main reason why the veil industry has been rising significantly.
Hence
,
this
 industry, from homemade businesses to big manufacturers,
becomes
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
economic
Correct article usage
an economic
show examples
 activity which contributed to national economic growth.
On the other hand
,
fashion
 particularly in
hairstyle
, in many cases, can lead to misbehaving among
people
. A punk
hairstyle
,
for instance
, is usually associated with gang-related crime.
Furthermore
,
this
 kind of
hairstyle
 brings some stereotypes which
people
 may think that they are rebellious or uneducated.
Consequently
, youth who find themselves under the influence of
this
 type of
hairstyle
, are considered to lack self-esteem and threaten local and national cultural identity. In conclusion,
fashion
 determines how
people
 choose their dresses and
hairstyle
Fix the agreement mistake
hairstyles
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I would argue that it has positive and negative development as well. On the one side, it brings advantages for economic advancement, and on the other side, it has detrimental effects on
people
such
 as a lack of confidence in their cultural identity.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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task response
Ensure that the essay responds fully to the prompt. Include a clear and specific opinion on whether the influence of fashion is predominantly positive or negative. Also, make sure to address all aspects of the question in a balanced manner.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the organization of ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion. Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, structure the essay with clear introduction and conclusion to improve coherence.
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