IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are controversial statements heating a beat over how to gain high achievements in life.
While
 some claim that getting access to tertiary education acts as the sole contribution to
people’s
 fruitfulness, the opposite makes a perspective that other influential determinants can affect it. Whilst each has its own merits, it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt, absorbing precious knowledge at institutions plays a paramount significance role in
people’s
 lives but it is not the only method. A university degree will assist people to have an opportunity to hold a decent job in a leading company.
For instance
, some well-known enterprises
such
 as Vingroup have a tendency to employ post-graduates from top-rank universities in Vietnam namely FTU,
NEU
Correct word choice
and NEU
show examples
.
Hence
, being accessible to a learning journey at
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 is put
premium
Add an article
a premium
show examples
 on
people’s
 success, but it is not the sole means.
While
 the importance of absorbing theoretical insights
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 tertiary education is widely acknowledged,
people’s
 fruitfulness heavily relies on other elements, especially skills. The more sets of skills people have, the more effective
quality
Correct article usage
the quality
show examples
work
Change preposition
of work
show examples
 is. So that individual has precious contributions to the firm. Problem-solving, leadership and critical thinking can be cited as some of the most outstanding examples
to make
Change preposition
of making
show examples
 a wealth of profit for the company in a short period of time.
Thus
, various influential determinants have a great contribution to
gain
Wrong verb form
gaining
show examples
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 flyer position, especially skills. In
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
although
 getting access to universities catalyzes
people’s
 high achievements, it heavily depends on other factors.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address the prompt, and the arguments are not effectively developed.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay shows some organization, but there are lapses in coherence and cohesion. The ideas are not consistently linked and the progression of the ideas could be improved.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a reasonable control of a range of language to express ideas. However, there is a lack of precision in the use of vocabulary, which affects the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.
Grammatical Range
The essay has a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There are errors in punctuation and word choice, which affect the clarity and accuracy of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: