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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some students decide early in life to pursue vocational careers that involve cooking or baking. For them, it is better to study their chosen occupations in high schools. In high school rather than regular subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#students #life #careers #study #occupations #schools #school #subjects
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Living in modern times we have various opportunities that
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
we want to be in the
future
.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
this
 point, nowadays, high school
students
 are struggling to find what they are going to have
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 earlier than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. If
students
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
want
study
Fix the infinitive
to study
show examples
 more specific fields,
such
 as cooking or baking, have to focus on what their want. at the same time, it must contain regular
subjects
. So I disagree with
this
 statement is some points. Most people agree
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that high school education is important. Learning basic
subjects
 can
be influence
Change the verb form
be influenced
show examples
 in
positive
Change the article
a positive
show examples
 way in the
future
 for
students
. And
this
 is, of course, completely related
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 who
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 to attend vocational classes. Take for
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mathematics. When
students
 learn
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
subjects
,
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 want to be a cook, must know about the difference
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 mg and g
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it is important to measure when they are cooking. And another example is an Art class. If
students
Change noun form
student's
students'
show examples
future
 occupation is
cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
show examples
, Art class may help with those
students
 in part of decorations. At the same time,
students
 who want to take part in vocational classes, have to learn more
cooking
Change preposition
about cooking
show examples
 or baking what they want than
regular
Change preposition
in regular
show examples
 classes.
This
 is because they have a clear
object
Replace the word
objective
show examples
 for the
future
. So high schools must
also
 encourage them to develop
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their own way. It does not mean that take aside regular
subjects
. I am saying it is important to keep
balance
Add an article
a balance
the balance
show examples
 between regular
subjects
 and vocational education.
To sum up
, in the case of
students
 who pursue vocational careers, must learn regular
subjects
 and
also
 develop their own careers. The balance of
this
 must be taken by high schools.
Submitted by hayoung2cho on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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