IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Even though doctors advise old people to get more exercise, many old people do not get enough.What are the reasons for this? What are some possible solutions for this?

#doctors #people #exercise
It is an unfortunate reality that elder
elderlypeople
Correct your spelling
elderly people
 are not doing required physical
workouts
 even if( though) doctors recommended them. (
Although
 there are manifold factors that have shaped
this
 scenario,) It is possible to alleviate
this
 problem by adopting effective measures The primary cause of lacking
exercise
 in old
people
 is their
health
 condition. Aged
people
 are facing severe medical problems
such
 as various lifestyle diseases , breathing difficulties and arthritis. These obstacles are withdrawing ( withdraw) them from doing more
workouts
. They are afraid that doing more
exercise
 can ( might) escalate their pain and worsen
health
Correct pronoun usage
their health
show examples
 conditions.
Likewise
Add a comma
,Likewise
show examples
 scarcity of space to do physical
workouts
 for old
people
 is another reason. Public spaces like parks and gyms are occupied by youth and children,
hence
 aged
people
 wish (tend)to spend their
time
 inside homes , particularly in a room.
Apart from
this
 most of the elder generation are busy with their grandchildren and domiciliary (domestic)
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 there will be a problem with
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of
time
 to do
exercise
Although
 the problem seems to be quite challenging , it is possible to tackle
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
(
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
)effectively. The most significant step is to treat their illnesses as early as possible and
health
 authorities and family members have to pay attention to them.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 the government and local authorities should ensure equal public spaces for the old generation and the youngsters for
workouts
. Allocating specific spaces for old
people
 could be a remarkable solution
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the stigma .Another key strategy is that family members ensure proper
time
 management of their parents /grandparents. ( They must) Ensure that they are getting enough
time
 to do physical
workouts
 and (
also
) encourage them to do the same. In conclusion, old
people
 are not doing enough
exercise
due to
 their
health
 conditions, lack of space to do
workouts
 and shortage of
time
.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 attention
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 medical
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 government interference and family support can help to rule out
this
 issue
Submitted by geokavalackal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • motivation
  • physical limitations
  • lack of time
  • fear of injury
  • exercise facilities
  • misunderstanding
  • benefits of exercise
  • social support
  • poor health conditions
  • awareness
  • appropriate exercises
  • guidance
  • financial constraints
What to do next:
Look at other essays: