IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some believed in many countries, the investment of public in arts can be justified. Others thinks that government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #investment #arts #government #health #education
It's been discussed that
Government
 should invest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public art more than
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
health
 and
education
. Public art has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
Add an article
an influence
show examples
influence
Change the verb form
influencing
influenced
show examples
to
Change preposition
by
show examples
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
amusement
 and artistic needs.
Under
Change preposition
With
show examples
Government
's
support
, Public art could influence
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more people if
Government
support
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
programs, budgets and
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
.
Human's
Change noun form
Human
show examples
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 are not only
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fundamental physical needs
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
amusement
 through artistic scriptures
such
 as
painting
Fix the agreement mistake
paintings
show examples
,
statue
Fix the agreement mistake
statues
show examples
,
videoclip
Correct your spelling
video clips
video clip
.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Public in arts are really important to
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 to increase their
amusement
,
Government
 suppose to spend more on
health
 and
education
.
First,
as I cited Maslw's Needs
theory-Human's
Change noun form
theory
show examples
 needs for fundamental parts are more close to
Health
 and
Education
 part. People spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 time
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 work or with family. If someone
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 sick, it means
other part
Change the wording
another part
other parts
show examples
 of
amusement
Correct article usage
the amusement
show examples
 would be behind
due to
this
 situation. So firm structure to
support
 on
health
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 each person is more important than anything else.
Second,
Government
's
support
 for
Education
 is important
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
long
Add an article
the long
a long
show examples
 term,
education
 is not only focusing on they could get
degree
Add an article
a degree
the degree
show examples
 but
also
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
self survival
Add a hyphen
self-survival
show examples
 rate in society would
be increase
Change the verb form
be increased
show examples
. Hierarchy is developed and controlled by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
,
on the other hand
, it could
support
 individual's
self survival
Add a hyphen
self-survival
show examples
 rate
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, I highly
support
 that
government
 should
support
 more
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
 and
education
. Even though human needs are included
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
higher
Add an article
a higher
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
amusement
such
 as arts,
fundamental
Correct article usage
the fundamental
show examples
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of needs should be relieved first.
Submitted by lgwwgl21 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: