IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?

#purpose #businesses #money
It is sometimes believed that the one and only purpose of businesses is to make money.
This
 essay strongly disagrees with
this
 suggestion as now will be discussed. The first argument behind my belief is that organizations have to contribute worthy values to society. As people receive the value they are looking for in the company's services or products, they start to make payments which bring profits to the company.
This
 perpetuates the virtuous cycle of value exchange that leads to the sustainable economic growth of countries.
However
, if a brand prioritizes money over quality and offer goods that do not meet locals' expectation, it will lose the customers' goodwill easily and will soon go bankrupt. In
this
 manner, it is especially crucial for investors to make high-quality products that satisfy the
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 of locals. Another point worth mentioning is that the growth of companies generates employment. Specifically, for an organization to
be operated
Wrong verb form
operate
show examples
 smoothly usually requires numerous job opportunities which can be considered a way firms and companies benefit the community.
For instance
, Samsung - one of the world's largest producers of electronic devices has accounted for the majority of labour forces in their manufacturing plants in the north of Vietnam.
Similarly
, in a nation like India, the growth of factories and organizations can alleviate the severe unemployment issue, helping thousands of locals overcome poverty and hunger. In return, the consumers have the likelihood to build their loyalty to the brands that stimulate them to purchase more relative products and promote the company's revenue. Put
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
differently, increasing job opportunities is one of the biggest social objectives of making businesses. In conclusion, I totally disagree that investors should only care about making money given the aforementioned arguments.
Submitted by hoanmy2101 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Ensure that each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument of the essay. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Consider providing a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed in the essay. This will strengthen the coherence and cohesion of your writing.
relevant specific examples
Provide more specific and varied examples to support your points. This will further enhance the relevance and clarity of your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial sustainability
  • Profit margin
  • Corporate social responsibility (CSR)
  • Stakeholder
  • Socio-economic impact
  • Ethical business practices
  • Customer retention
  • Brand loyalty
  • Workforce morale
  • Innovation
  • Sustainable growth
  • Competitive edge
What to do next:
Look at other essays: