These days people prefer to watch live performances (Shows, concerts) through tv or computer, online rather than go to the place of event. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Online
events
become more and more popular among societies, most people are keen to attend shows or concerts remotely
instead
of going there to see shows physically. In my opinion, I partially agree with
this
practice of watching
events
online rather than going physically to the place of the event. There are so many benefits of watching shows online but the predominant benefit of watching shows through
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
or computer by staying home is money saving.
As people
Correct word choice
People
show examples
do not have to buy expensive tickets in order to watch the latest live performances because managers do not provide with them any kind of specific sitting space.
Furthermore
, another advantage of
this
is convenience, online performances provide much more convenient access to the place with just one click of the mouse,
accordingly
, they do not have to be on roads.
Thus
, watching live performances via
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
or
pc
Correct your spelling
PC
show examples
is a convenient and money-saving approach.
However
, some believe that watching
events
online has a negative prospect
such
as unclear understanding because people who are watching by staying home do not receive the main perspective of the show.
For instance
, by taking the example of a music show, if we are physically present at the place of the event,
then
we examine the emotions associated with the song rather than listening to the same song at home.
Hence
,
this
practice damages the emotions in online
events
. In conclusion, regarding remote
events
,
although
, there is a negative point in terms of feelings, the pros of
this
trend are much more important in regard to convenience and saving attitude that surely remains continued.
Submitted by sakshiarora1088 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Try to use a variety of grammatical constructions and sentence lengths to avoid monotony. This can improve reader engagement.
Task Achievement
While your examples were good, try to provide more specific and varied examples to completely illustrate your point.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear overall argument which is evident throughout - your position seemed somewhat unclear at times, which detracts from the overall coherence.
Formal Language
Maintain formal language throughout the text. Avoid using contractions such as 'we're' or 'didn't'. Instead, use 'we are' or 'did not'

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: