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Writing Samples
Band 6

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.

The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.
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The diagram provided describes the
process
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 of
sugar
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 production and formation from
sugar
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cane
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. The
process
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 given is man-made. The starting point is the harvesting of
sugar
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cane
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 after the
end
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 of the growth stage
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 takes about 12 to 18 months and the ending point is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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usually the drying and cooling stage of
sugar
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. The
end
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 product is
sugar
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, after analyzing the above stages, it can be seen that the formation
process
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 of
sugar
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 from the raw material
sugar
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cane
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 entails many steps
such
Linking Words
 as harvesting, crushing, purifying, evaporating, centrifuging, and
finally
Linking Words
 drying and cooling. It is a repeated
process
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. The
end
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 product is dried and cool
sugar
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 crystals. The starting point is harvesting the mature and grown
sugar
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cane
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 by farmers. It is interesting to note that the growth phase’s duration is around 18 months. After the
end
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 of
first
Correct article usage
the first
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 stages comes the crushing
process
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 where farmers put the
sugar
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 canes inside a machine where it grinds the canes into liquid juice.
This
Linking Words
 leads to the final four stages of the
process
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 which are purification, evaporation, centrifuge and drying and cooling. In the purifying step,
liquid
Correct article usage
the liquid
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 juice of
sugar
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cane
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 is purified with a Limestone filter to extract the filtrate.
Then
Linking Words
, the evaporator uses heat to transform the purified juice into syrup.
As
Change preposition
In
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final
Correct article usage
the final
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 steps,
sugar
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 crystals are separated by centrifuge, dried and cooled in a huge container.

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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, sugar, cane, end with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "growth" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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