Today, the life expectancy of people is much higher than before. Older people should continue to be involved in the workforce. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Due to
the rising average life expectancy, someone
Correct your spelling
some
believed
that the workforce age should be extended, to include older Wrong verb form
believe
people
. In my opinion, older workers should not be forced to continue working and must have the right to choose whether to continue or stop their careers.
There are some key explanations behind my opinion. People
who earned
enough money for a quality life after having worked hard for a long time, may not find the motivation to continue their careers, especially when they don't have passion for their jobs, just for making a living. Wrong verb form
earn
This
situation may cause a decline in work quality and the company's spending. Moreover
, the industry is becoming more and more competitive, which means employees must adapt to all aspects of modern society, such
as technology. It is really hard for a 60-year-old upper worker to compete with a younger counter.
On the other hand
, some old people
who still have good mental and physical health and who aspire to and love their careers should have the right to follow their jobs. The older they are, the more skill and experience they have. They can pass on their knowledge to the next generation, gain a better understanding of the issues, and promote the company. For instance
, in Japan, many people
still work hard, even though they are older (65 years old).
In conclusion, my firm conviction is that depending on everyone's condition, old people
should have the right to choose to retire or continue their jobs.Submitted by anhc2tm on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and supports it effectively with relevant examples and explanations. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
task achievement
Your response is complete and addresses all parts of the task. Make sure to provide more comprehensive and clear ideas to thoroughly support your position.
lexical resource
You have demonstrated a wide range of vocabulary, but make sure to use more academic and formal language throughout the essay to enhance your lexical resource.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate, but try to vary your sentence structures and use more complex and compound sentences to showcase a wider grammatical range.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite