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Band 6.5

Parents should encourage children to spend less time on studying and more time on doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children #time #activities
Parents want their children to succeed in life and
as a result
, they always motivate their children to spend more time in physical
activities
,
such
 as sports and yoga, as compared to studying. Physical
activities
 do have their obvious advantages but in my opinion, studying is equally important and the following arguments will prove
this
. There are countless advantages of physical
activities
 which include but are not limited to sports, yoga, meditation and dance. First and foremost, these
activities
 increase endurance and stamina, and improve blood and oxygen flow which in turn, increase the body's strength and mental focus.
Moreover
, consistently exercising these
activities
 on
regular
Correct article usage
a regular
show examples
 basis boosts immunity and eliminates the cause of common diseases
such
 as diabetes,
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
show examples
 pressure and many more.
Furthermore
, bodily chemical fluids released are essential for the body's functioning.
For instance
, melatonin is responsible for inducing sleep and not doing any physical tasks is the root cause of insomnia.
On the other hand
, education is equally important. Being able to read, write and comprehend solves most of the daily problems
one
encounter
Fix the agreement mistake
encounters
show examples
 and
additionally
, it makes you astute and improves your problem-solving ability.
Moreover
, it boosts
one
's self-confidence and adds to
one
's personality.
For example
, imagine a renowned athlete struggling to speak in front of media reporters.
Lastly
, in my opinion, being able to educate oneself and have the financial freedom to pursue studies in a field of
one
's choice is a privilege and everyone should leverage it to its maximum as it does not harm in any way and is always a cherry on the cake. To summarise, the importance of physical
activities
 is at par with book education. From my perspective, parents should never give high weightage to either studies or physical
activities
 and always strike a balance between both. Having said that, I do not agree that guardians should motivate their children to study less compared to physical exercises.
Submitted by sarthakpatel2404 on

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a clear position on the given topic and supports it with relevant arguments. However, there is room for further development of some points to enhance the depth of analysis.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a good logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. The main points are supported and connected coherently. To improve, work on maintaining consistency in linking ideas and using a wider range of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated connection between sentences and paragraphs.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
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