IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people use social media every day to get in touch with other people and news events, do you think the advantages of this way outweigh the disadvantages.

#people #media #touch #news #events
Nowadays social
media
 has become an important way for
people
 to communicate with friends and family and keep up with
news
events
. I agree with the idea that the merits of using social
media
 every day outweigh the drawbacks. There is no doubt that using social
media
 too often may lead to addiction.
People
 may indulge in online communication and ignore their friends and family around them. Some children,
for example
, may be reluctant to participate in outdoor activities where they can socialize with their peers.
Also
, some adults may dare not communicate with their colleagues face to face. They may be unwilling to attend offline social
events
 where they can enhance their understanding with colleagues and get familiar with each other.
As a result
, their cooperation with other staff will run into problems, which may affect their work efficiency.
However
, social
media
 can help
people
 to get in touch with more
people
 and
news
events
. Social
media
 provides
people
 with an opportunity to be familiar with
people
 from different backgrounds and regions.
Thus
, it helps
people
 expand their social circle and broaden their horizons.
For instance
, many
people
 will get in touch with
people
 from all walks of life through TikTok, some of whom may become their friends.
Besides
,
people
 can get to know the latest
news
events
 at once and feel connected to the world. Yang Qian,
for example
, who won the first gold medal for China, immediately
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 a household name after the Olympics in her country
due to
 the widespread use of social
media
. In a nutshell,
although
 some may argue that using social
media
 every day will cause
people
 not to adapt to face-to-face communication, I still think that
people
 can have easy access to contact with other
people
 and keep up with
news
events
 through social
media
.
Submitted by songtingyan0927 on

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task response
Well done in addressing the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of using social media. Make sure to further develop your ideas and provide more detailed examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with a proper introduction and conclusion. Work on linking your ideas more smoothly within paragraphs to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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