IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Investment in local amenities such as leisure centres is the best way for the government to foster a good community spirit. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?

#investment #amenities #leisure #centres #government #community #spirit #measures
As a twenty-first century
teenager
Add a comma
teenager,
show examples
 I often experience a need to hang out with my friends and spend my
time
 socializing. I search for places to eat, shop and relax so I fully agree with the government’s choice to invest in
leisure
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 when it comes to the question of how to spend free
time
. On one hand,
leisure
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 connect
people
 and stimulate
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good energy
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the community.
This
 happens when
people
 go and watch a great comedy at the cinema or go
skate
Wrong verb form
skating
show examples
 on ice.
This
 enhances
people
’s happiness, helps them to relax and leads to having a good
time
.
As a result
, both sides are equally happy because
leisure
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 make money from it
as well as
 the customers are left glad.
On the other hand
, others believe that
leisure
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 sometimes “rob”
people
 with their inadequate prices.
For example
, if at a regular food
market
Add a comma
market,
show examples
 you can purchase a bottle of water for less
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 one euro, shops or cafes at
leisure
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 may require you to pay three and a half euro for it.
This
 is not only not logical but
also
 leaves buyers unpleased and not wanting to pay a visit again which could lead to an unhappy community or a bankruptcy of a few million dollar project. My idea for a perfect place to spend your spare
time
 - central parks. It has a lot of pros,
for instance
, you
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 constantly breathe fresh air, socialize in a wide space and do
get togethers
Add a hyphen
get-togethers
show examples
 as picnics.
This
 would be a much cheaper project for the government and it would keep the population healthier which in the end is better and more profitable in a variety of areas for both sides. The only con of the parks is that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 constant care, but if the finances are managed well,
then
 the country will be able to hire
people
 to do
this
 job.
To conclude
, I believe that there are a lot of ways to spend your free
time
 like going to a
leisure
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 or taking a walk
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a park but it really depends on a person’s wishes and values.
Submitted by oimigle on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
For task achievement, it's crucial to address the prompt fully. In your case, ensure to provide a balanced discussion that focuses on both the extent of your agreement or disagreement and on suggesting other measures. Expand on your ideas to show a more diverse range of solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on linking your ideas more effectively. Use a range of cohesive devices and ensure paragraphs flow naturally from one to the next. You could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more explicit connections between your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
When supporting your main points, include a variety of examples drawn from different perspectives or sources. This can improve the depth of your essay and show a more rounded understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster
  • ammunities
  • leisure centre
  • sense of togetherness
  • boost the local economy
  • inclusive events
  • diverse range
  • instil a sense of pride
  • shared identity
  • accessibility and connectivity
  • public green spaces
  • community bonding
  • frequent community service projects
  • community-based educational programs
  • promotes physical health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: