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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.

The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time.
#obesity #rate #country #period #time
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A glance at the line chart reveals the proportion of obese in terms of four different age groups from 1971 to 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the lowest rate
covered
Add a missing verb
is covered
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 in the
group
Use synonyms
 aged from 18 to 29,
whereas
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, in the
group
Use synonyms
 of 45 to 64, the figure for
obesity
Correct article usage
the obesity
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 rate was at
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 peak over
this
Linking Words
 period. It
also
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 can be seen that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 obesity
people
Change preposition
among people
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 from 65 to 47 had a slight decrease after the year
of
Change preposition
apply
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1999. In 1971, the proportion of
45
Correct article usage
the 45
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-
64-year-old
Add an article
the 64-year-old
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group
Use synonyms
 was by far the highest, at approximately 17%, which increased sharply to the number of over 35% in 1999,
then
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 remained stable throughout two years,
then
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 bypassing the elderly(65 to 74)
in
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apply
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2001,
finally
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 peaking at the 40% in 2005.
By contrast
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, the figure for the elderly(65 to 74) shared a similar trend before 2001, until it fell to the bottom around 35%.
However
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, the percentage of
30
Correct article usage
the 30
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-44-year-old bracket and
18
Correct article usage
the 18
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-29-year-old
group
Use synonyms
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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experienced
similar
Change the word
similarly
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 in the first five
year
Change to a plural noun
years
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, stood at around 7% and 15% respectively,
then
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 surged to the top of over 24% and roughly 36% separately in 2005, which was almost rising by 20% each.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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