IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some Children spend a long time each day on their smartphone. Why is this? Is this a positive or negative development?

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Some juveniles spend a long time each day on their smartphone.
This
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 is because video streaming apps are highly entertaining but
this
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 can cause negative consequences because it can distract them from their personal and family life. Minors love using mobile devices because streaming services have many entertaining videos on demand. They can easily find their favourite shows on the platform by only typing the keywords in the search section.
Moreover
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, video streaming services like YouTube developed with technology enhancement, will give offspring other shows recommendations related to their preferences.
Therefore
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 it will end up with smartphone addiction for the young generation. Despite the enjoyment produced by the apps,
this
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 essay believes that addiction has many negative impacts on offspring’s personal lives. They will spend almost all their free hour on the screen which means they will lack physical activities
such
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 as playing sports and bike riding. Social engagement will be impacted
also
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due to
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 they seldom meet their friend in person.
Furthermore
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, the most extreme scenario is the relationship between parents and children will break down. If the negative consequences happen, They will have fewer social skills
such
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 as communication, empathy , teamwork and many others. They will
also
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 struggle to survive in life
due to
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 the lack of value they get from family. In conclusion, It has many negative consequences for children who spend a long time on their smartphones. The parents have to restrict the devices usage as much as possible to prevent instant addiction which can influence the future of the children.

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the examples provided to strengthen your argument. For instance, give specific instances of video streaming apps or popular content that attracts children.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. Connective devices such as 'Moreover', 'Therefore', and 'Furthermore' are sometimes overused; varying them can make the essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is straightforward and clearly presents the topic and your position on it.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure, moving from the cause to the effect of the phenomenon discussed, which is easy to follow.
task achievement
You have addressed both parts of the question: why children spend much time on their smartphones and whether this is a positive or negative development.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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