IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

We live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problem in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. To what extent do you agree?

#world #technology #internet #terms #control #security #information
Technology has blessed humans in many ways, one
such
 invention is
Correct article usage
the cable-net
show examples
cable-net
Correct your spelling
cable net
show examples
. Some people argue that
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 has many pros but its negative point is
leaking
Correct article usage
the leaking
show examples
 of data. I completely agree with
this
 statement because a number of computer applications are fake and lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cyber laws.
To begin
 with,
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 is less secure since there are sizeable numbers
laptop
Change preposition
of laptop
show examples
 apps which are fraud. What I mean by
this
 is that many applications
which
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
 purpose is to entertain people
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
actually they steal peoples’ personal data and
then
 they blackmail them for money.
For example
,
Dolphin
Correct article usage
the Dolphin
show examples
 gaming app gathered millions of youth info and later sold out
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
black
Add an article
the black
show examples
 market,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
 thousands of pupils commit suicide. Another reason why I advocate that the
internet
 has zero shielding for
personal
Add an article
the personal
show examples
record
Fix the agreement mistake
records
show examples
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
because
Add the preposition
ofbecause
show examples
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 cyberspace regulations. In many
countries
Add a comma
,countries
show examples
 various gangs and criminals operate websites and their sole work
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 cheat
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 by using different ways
such
 as hacking
facebook
Change the capitalization
Facebook
show examples
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
 and
steal
Wrong verb form
stealing
show examples
 family pictures or videos.
For example
, 60% of world hackers are in the Asian continent because of no
internet
 policy. On the hand, there is an argument that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hyperspace has made
peoples’
Correct your spelling
people’s
show examples
 lives easy. Since nowadays masses can do online business through
this
 and can earn a huge cash per month. Take
example
Add an article
the example
an example
show examples
 of amazon in which millions of people
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 online marketing.
To sum up
, I totally concur that infobahn has many plus
point
Change to a plural noun
points
show examples
 but in terms of control and
information
Add a comma
,information
show examples
 it has cons
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
due to
 fraud desktop applications and nil
internet
 rules. I feel that government need to ban
such
 sites which involve
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
criminal activities and provide security to
internet
 users.
Submitted by engrizazsaeed on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • global connectivity
  • digital banking
  • cybersecurity
  • data protection
  • security breaches
  • cyber attacks
  • online transactions
  • digital divide
  • surveillance
  • freedom of information
  • responsible usage
  • ethical considerations
  • digital footprints
  • online behavior
  • information inequality
What to do next:
Look at other essays: