IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE THAT CELEBRITIES ARE PAID FAR TOO MUCH MONEY.

#celebrities #money
this
Change preposition
In this
show examples
 day and age, famous
people
’s earnings are controversial since netizens argue that they are paid much more than what they are doing. As far as I am concerned, I only agree to a certain extent with
this
 opinion. In
this
 essay, I will explain the reasons for
this
 argument. On the one hand, it is accurate that
celebrities
 have more opportunities to earn
money
 than ordinary
people
due to
 their fame. Their incomes would come from advertisements that they shot or from filming movies.
Furthermore
, some well-known
people
 make
money
 from businesses
such
 as opening their own brands or becoming investors.
However
, few
celebrities
 use
this
money
 for charity to help elder
people
, homeless
people
, or disabilities… they are good works. It means that they do not waste their incomes but use them to better
people
’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
, Taylor Swift is famous for donating one million dollars to help
people
 who
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 victims of Louisiana’s flood in 2016.
On the other hand
, nurses, government employees, and other jobs are more important than
celebrities
. They deserve to be paid a lot more
money
 than famous
people
 because their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more practical.
Besides
, a few
celebrities
 do not work hard but they still get a lot of
money
 so they start to waste
money
. The married couple Beyonce and Jay-Z are exemplary, they spend more than two hundred thousand USD for celebrating a birthday party for their daughter-Blue Ivy. In conclusion, each job has its own payment, but each field should be paid equally.
Submitted by jasmin6pham on

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task response
Ensure that all aspects of the prompt are addressed in the essay. You have provided some relevant points but could have elaborated further on the idea of whether celebrities are paid too much.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure that the essay has a clear structure with well-developed paragraphs that flow logically. Your essay contains decent organization but could benefit from smoother transitions between ideas.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to add depth and variety to your essay. While your word choice is generally appropriate, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary will enhance your writing.
grammatical range
Pay closer attention to sentence structure and grammar. There are a few errors throughout the essay that can be improved with more careful proofreading.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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