IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than benefiting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
It is indeed a fact that the primary focus of schooling is to a good national and workers
instead
 of emphasizing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves as a human. I certainly agree with the statement and
this
 essay will discuss the logical reasons for my agreement.
Firstly
, one of the primary reasons for
that is
 that they do not learn about their own culture and religion and they are taught an incorrect definition of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
success at school.
Consequently
, the students just aim to earn money and build up the maximum wealth in which they forget precious relations and culture behind.
For instance
, the majority who are greedy for money is mostly in spoiled relationships
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and separate
life
 from their parents and siblings.
Hence
, they indeed become successful,
however
, do not live a joyful
life
.
In addition
, subjects taught at school are primarily job oriented,
however
, a topic to maintain
health
 and stay fit throughout the
life
 span is highly neglected.
As a result
, students do learn about securing a job
however
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 never prioritize their physical and mental
health
.
Consequently
, they end up suffering from severe diseases by the middle ages of their lives and die early.
For instance
, the average
life
 span of people is not descended to 70 years which in early ages when the schools would have mandatory yoga and meditation lessons
Correct your spelling
resulted
inresulted
Correct your spelling
resulted
in resulted
insulted
individuals
Change preposition
in individuals
show examples
 with better
health
 and mental stability. In conclusion, School subjects are turning students into
a money-making machines
Correct the article-noun agreement
a money-making machine
money-making machines
show examples
 where they entirely overlook their own
health
 , culture and precious relations.
Submitted by ankit.heart25 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: