IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think scientific research should focus on solving world health problems. Others think that there are more important issues. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #research #focus #world #health
With the explosion of population, there are a lot of
issues
 that the governments have to
concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
.
Change preposition
about.
show examples
While
 some
people
 argue that academic
research
 should find ways to solve worldwide
health
problems
 , many
people
 believe that
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
issues
 should be focused on. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both points of view in-depth and present examples to show why the latter assertion is more compelling. Those who advocate for focusing on
health
research
 agree that
problems
 with
health
 are one of the most threatening
issues
 that humans are facing now. After the spread of the Covid-19 pandemic, many individuals pay more attention to their
health
. To have specific
treatments
 for diseases, scientists need to
research
 and test many kinds of medicine before publishing
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 local
people
.
For instance
, scientists and doctors spent more than a year finding suitable vaccines and
treatments
 for patients who were suffering the
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
.
Moreover
, there are many diseases
such
 as cancer
could
Verb problem
that have
show examples
 not find any radical
treatments
 to deal with until now.
On the other hand
, advocates for prioritizing other
issues
 believe that several
problems
 need to
beresearched
Correct your spelling
be researched
 to find out suitable methods.
While
 patients have doctors to rescue them, many dwellers who experience many kinds of pollutants and overpopulation daily do not have any
treatments
 from the governments.
Otherwise
, many
problems
 are overlooked by virtue of the carelessness of the authorities, poverty and illiteracy could be obvious examples. Every issue, in my opinion, needs to have equal treatment from both individuals and the authorities. In conclusion,
while
 there are many
people
 who believe that
health
problems
 should be concentrated on, I concur that scientific
research
 has to discover many methods to solve other
issues
, allowing for a better society and greater living conditions.
Submitted by thanhvinhdoi338 on

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Extended
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt with a clear discussion of both views. However, it would benefit from a stronger conclusion that clearly states the writer's opinion.
Extended
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure is clear, with a good introduction and conclusion. However, more cohesive devices could be used to improve the flow of ideas and show greater control of cohesive elements.

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