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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Most modern families have both parents working and as a result children spend less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problem can this cause?

it
Fix capitalization
It
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 is true that more and more
parents
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 get involved in working, so they do not have enough
time
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 for their children.
personally
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Personally
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, I hold the belief that the increasing burden of workload is the main factor.
Linking Words
however
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However
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,
this
Linking Words
 trend has a negative impact on both children and
parents
Use synonyms
.
the
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The
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 tendency
of spending
Change preposition
to spend
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 more
time
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 at
work
Use synonyms
 can be attributed to adults' excessive volume of
workload
Correct article usage
the workload
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.
it
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It
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 is worth mentioning that in order to make a profit and enhance
overall
Linking Words
 productivity, many companies decide to increase the number of working hours in the office.
Linking Words
therefore
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Therefore
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, people need to stay at their offices for a long
time
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 to finish their
work
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 tasks.
Linking Words
furthermore
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Furthermore
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,
parents
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 need to satisfy their families' demands.
in
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In
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 the modern era, all goods become prohibitively expensive, so those who strive for a high standard of living must
work
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 hard with a view to earning a substantial amount of money.
As a result
Linking Words
, adults are unable to spend
time
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 with their kids.
Linking Words
although
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Although
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this
Linking Words
 trend brings certain benefits to their lives, I strongly believe that it has an adverse influence on youngsters.
Linking Words
due
Fix capitalization
Due
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 to short-term exposure to each other, children may feel isolated and alone, which is likely to lead to some serious mental problems,
such
Linking Words
 as depression.
Moreover
Linking Words
, without the painstaking training and discipline of
parents
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, youngsters are inclined to indulge themselves in social issues.
Linking Words
for
Fix capitalization
For
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 example, the number of juvenile criminals has increased significantly in
Viet Nam
Use the right word
Vietnam
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 recently, as their
parents
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 spend a huge amount of
time
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 at
work
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 and neglect their invaluable offspring.
in
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In
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 conclusion, the primary motives for long-term working hours are the vast volume of workload and the satisfaction of their high demands.
nevertheless
Linking Words
, these factors have resulted in negative impacts on youngsters that need to be taken into consideration.

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structure
Have a clear plan before you write. Start with one sentence that shows your view and what you will talk about.
content
In each paragraph give one main reason with a simple example. Do not add many extra points in one paragraph.
coherence
Use simple link words to show the order and cause, like 'also', 'because', 'then' and 'however'.
language
Check grammar and short form sentences. Avoid long, complex sentences that are hard to read.
content
Keep examples close to the task. Avoid using facts that are not in the prompt or not easy to back up.
structure
Finish with a clear conclusion that restates your view and the main points.
content
The essay shows a clear view that work load affects time with children.
coherence
There is a logical link between the problem and the cause.
task response
The reader can see the writer's point and the need to discuss both sides.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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