IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#system #effort #health #people #education #lessons #school #curriculum
In many countries, money spent on healthcare services is increasing as the incidence of chronic
diseases
 has continued to grow.
This
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 may cause a heavy burden on the economy of one nation. Some people suggest that the best way to solve
this
 issue is through physical education lessons in school. I agree with
this
 statement, and I will elaborate
further
 in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, modern lifestyles have caused appalling effects on human health. People nowadays tend to have a sedentary lifestyle, where they spend most of their time doing activities indoors.
This
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
is
also
 the case among children as we can see that they prefer playing games on their mobile phones or computers.
Although
 some people may suggest that it is all right for their offspring to spend more time on their gadgets after their finished their homework, children need to be educated about the importance of exercise. Lack of physical activity is one of the big risk factors for chronic
diseases
.
Therefore
, Students should be trained and educated about
this
 from an early age, as personal habits are mainly developed during adolescence.
Moreover
, in many countries including Indonesia, the number of children with overweight or obesity has grown
an
Change preposition
at an
show examples
 unprecedented rate over the
last
 decade.
This
, in the
future
Add the comma(s)
,future
show examples
 may lead to a higher number of adults with hypertension, diabetic mellitus, and heart
diseases
 in the future which will increase
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 costs payable
Change preposition
to
show examples
all taxpayers in
this
 country. As we know that obesity is mainly caused by two important factors namely high-calorie diets and lack of physical activity.
Therefore
, Including physical education in the school curriculum might be one of the critical steps that should be taken to tackle
this
 health issue in the long term. In conclusion, students should be taught physical education lessons as many chronic
diseases
 may be attributed to the lack of exercise, and healthy habits are usually started and developed during adolescent age.
Submitted by irarahmawati.polkesma on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: