IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crimes, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #technology #development #decreases #crimes
Technological development across the world has advanced over the years and played an important role in our way of living, both positive and negative, some opine that it has enhanced crime
while
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 think it significantly reduced the rate of criminality, in my opinion, advancement in
technology
 has helped reduce crime. On one hand, some people argue that the development of
technology
 has made the world a global village, making it possible for criminals to have access to their victims irrespective of their location,
for example
,
prio
Correct your spelling
prior
 to the introduction of the e-banking system, thieves needed to have direct contact with their victims before the can Rob them, but currently, an internet fraudster in Africa can hack and steal from an account in domiciled in Europe.
On the other hand
, devices
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
security
Add an article
a security
show examples
 alarm
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
, trackers and
Correct article usage
the likes
show examples
likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
show examples
 have helped reduce
Add an article
the incident
show examples
incident
Fix the agreement mistake
incidents
show examples
 of burglary and theft.
For example
, the house alarm triggers off as soon as an attempt is made to break into an apartment,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 car tracker shuts the mechanical system of a car down during a
car jacking
Correct your spelling
carjacking
show examples
. Better data collection, analysis and monitoring of suspected individuals,
groups
Correct word choice
and groups
show examples
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has ensured that our security personnel are steps ahead of criminals.
For example
,
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 gathered and studied using the relevant tools developed via advancement in
technology
,
has
Add the particle
tohas
show examples
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to the apprehension of several criminals,
creation
Correct article usage
the creation
show examples
 of better
fire walls
Correct your spelling
firewalls
show examples
 that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 improved the security of our data. In conclusion, though the impact of
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 use of
technology
 can not be ignored, I strongly believe it has made the world a better place
Submitted by chidinmaelisha24 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: