IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think technology development decreases crimes, while others believe it actually encourages crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #technology #development #decreases #crimes
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Technological development across the world has advanced over the years and played an important role in our way of living, both positive and negative, some opine that it has enhanced crime
while
Linking Words
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 think it significantly reduced the rate of criminality, in my opinion, advancement in
technology
Use synonyms
 has helped reduce crime. On one hand, some people argue that the development of
technology
Use synonyms
 has made the world a global village, making it possible for criminals to have access to their victims irrespective of their location,
for example
Linking Words
,
prio
Correct your spelling
prior
 to the introduction of the e-banking system, thieves needed to have direct contact with their victims before the can Rob them, but currently, an internet fraudster in Africa can hack and steal from an account in domiciled in Europe.
On the other hand
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, devices
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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security
Add an article
a security
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 alarm
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
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, trackers and
Correct article usage
the likes
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likes
Fix the agreement mistake
like
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 have helped reduce
Add an article
the incident
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incident
Fix the agreement mistake
incidents
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 of burglary and theft.
For example
Linking Words
, the house alarm triggers off as soon as an attempt is made to break into an apartment,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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 car tracker shuts the mechanical system of a car down during a
car jacking
Correct your spelling
carjacking
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. Better data collection, analysis and monitoring of suspected individuals,
groups
Correct word choice
and groups
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,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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has ensured that our security personnel are steps ahead of criminals.
For example
Linking Words
,
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
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 gathered and studied using the relevant tools developed via advancement in
technology
Use synonyms
,
has
Add the particle
tohas
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lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to the apprehension of several criminals,
creation
Correct article usage
the creation
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 of better
fire walls
Correct your spelling
firewalls
show examples
 that
has
Change the verb form
have
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 improved the security of our data. In conclusion, though the impact of
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 use of
technology
Use synonyms
 can not be ignored, I strongly believe it has made the world a better place
Submitted by chidinmaelisha24 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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