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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children’s time outside of school should be filled with scheduled activities such as art and music classes and sports. Others feel that children need free time to play and relax. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is considered by
some
Correct your spelling
Some
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 that children ought to take a part in other
school
Use synonyms
activities
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such
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 as arts, music classes and sports,
while
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 there are others who think that it is better for them to have spare
time
Use synonyms
 to play and wind down. In my personal opinion, I believe that juveniles should join any
activities
Use synonyms
 provided in their schools in order to enhance their soft skills that can be more useful in their life. On the one hand, many think that it is much better if the students look extremely busy at
school
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 rather than doing nothing at home.
In other words
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, they are able to pursue what they like the most and decide what to do.
For instance
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, if they are interested in art,
then
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 they attempt to do it frequently,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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 will be able to become a master in
art
Add an article
the art
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.
Therefore
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,
this
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 can lead them to have
brighter
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a brighter
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future
Fix the agreement mistake
futures
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 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
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great artist.
As a result
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, their parents will realise that having a scheduled activity outside of
school
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 is quite useful.
On the other hand
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, it is true that
school
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 kids should have break
time
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 to chill out. There are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 vast number of researches
convey
Correct pronoun usage
that convey
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 that students are mostly feeling under pressure if they often get other
activities
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 than studies.
Furthermore
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, other people think it is vital for them
use
Add the particle
to use
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 their
time
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 to play with their acquaintances, so they will be able to understand how to make a friend and rehearse
the
Change the word
their
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 communication ability.
Finally
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, the hectic
time
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 at
school
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 is enough for them,
hence
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 no more
activities
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 for them.
Finally
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, in my opinion, I strongly believe that having other things to do outside of
school
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time
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 is beneficial to them. First of all, in terms of their creativity will be
Wrong verb form
sharpened
show examples
sharpen
Wrong verb form
sharpened
show examples
 through productivity at
school
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.
Secondly
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, their parents do not need to worry a lot about
type
Add an article
the type
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 of games that give them detrimental effects.
Thirdly
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, they have a big sense of responsibility for their own
life
Replace the word
lives
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 as they are able to understand whether they enjoy it or not.
Lastly
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,
instead
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 of playing games and
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxing
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,
this
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 activity helps them to figure out what future they want to have. In conclusion, allowing children to choose what to do in their
time
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 is necessary. If they think by having a plenty number of
activities
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encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
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 them to be better and more creative, it can be done properly and vice versa. Eventually, they still can decide to have a break from those crowded schedules.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • academic curriculum
  • hidden talents
  • instill discipline
  • teamwork
  • time management skills
  • unstructured play
  • fostering creativity
  • stress reduction
  • cognitive and emotional development
  • well-rounded upbringing
  • social interaction
  • personal growth
  • equilibrium
  • beneficial outcomes
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