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Band 5.5

Young people spend their free time in shopping malls. This has a negative effect on young people and society. To what extent do you agree?

#people #time #malls #effect #society
In
this
 contemporary epoch, many youngsters tend to spend most of their spare time in shopping malls. Many people believe that
this
 affects negatively
individuals
 and communities. I totally disagree with
this
 belief, and I will elaborate my stance with arguments in the below paragraphs. The first reason behind my disagreement is that youth will acquire the opportunity to start their social and professional networks when they go shopping.
For instance
,
boys
 and girls will exchange various knowledge that assists them to develop in their lives
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and benefit their communities. Which would be reflected positively in terms of the young’s personal and social productivity.
Secondly
, young
individuals
 will have a substantial atmosphere to gain experiences about their perspective plans. To cite an example, in Sweden,
conducted
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research states that 5
boys
 out of 10 set up their own businesses yearly
due to
 their acquired command of shopping, which affects dramatically the economic background of their
societies
.
Secondly
, young
individuals
 will have a substantial atmosphere to gain experiences about their perspective plans. To cite an example, in Sweden,
conducted
Verb problem
apply
show examples
research states that 5
boys
 out of 10 set up their own businesses yearly
due to
 their acquired command of shopping, which affects dramatically the economic background of their
societies
.
Secondly
, young
individuals
 will have a substantial atmosphere to gain experiences about their perspective plans. To cite an example, in Sweden,
conducted
Verb problem
apply
show examples
research states that 5
boys
 out of 10 set up their own businesses yearly
due to
 their acquired command of shopping, which affects dramatically the economic background of their
societies
.
to sum up
, it is a common belief that youngsters waste their spare time when they shop in malls and affects their communities negatively. Personally, I don’t support
this
 view since shopping in malls assists the youth to develop themselves and
societies
 over many dimensions.
Submitted by ayham_a96 on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. The ideas are not presented in a coherent and cohesive manner, making the essay difficult to follow.
task achievement
The response does not fully address the task. There are repetitive points and the examples do not effectively support the writer's stance. A more comprehensive and relevant response is needed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retail outlets
  • consumerism
  • advertising
  • local businesses
  • neighborhood communities
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • socialize
  • amenities
  • economic growth
  • cultural homogenization
  • ecological footprint
  • entertainment
  • trends
  • brand loyalty
  • spending habits
  • mall culture
  • local shops
  • health implications
  • job opportunities
  • tourism
  • consumer debt
  • environmental impact
  • energy consumption
  • waste generation
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