IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
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The
Correct article usage
apply
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Maine causes incline of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 are unhealthy which
influenced
Add a missing verb
is influenced
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 by television and social media ads on fast and
junk
Use synonyms
 foods. There are numerous ads on TV
about
Change preposition
for
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promotion
Add an article
the promotion
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 of these foods.
Kids
Use synonyms
 are attracted by
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 fancy
adds
Correct your spelling
ads
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, and force
the
Change the word
their
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 parents to buy them. As well,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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,
initially
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 eating
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 starts for Fun
however
Linking Words
 gradually
kids
Use synonyms
 getting addicted to
this
Linking Words
, increase more craving.
For example
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, Maggie
nudels
Correct your spelling
nudes
 were very popular, attracting all by
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 add and taste,
most
Correct word choice
and most
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of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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kids
Use synonyms
 eating almost every day.
However
Linking Words
 it was banned for
couple
Change the article
a couple
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 of years for led content in it,
now
Correct word choice
but now
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 again jumped into the market. Eating
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 or fast
food
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 more often leads to severe health issues
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, high cholesterol, cancer etc., in which overweight cases increased.
For instance
Linking Words
, as I am working as a nurse, I see many cases, especially
children
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 with obesity, Diabetic and even cancer. By checking the history of the patient with parents, it’s clear that these
kids
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 are eating more
junk
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 foods and fast
food
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 which causes serious effects on health.
Children
Use synonyms
 get depressed because of their weight. In conclusion, the ad on social media and television about
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
 and fast
food
Use synonyms
influencing
Wrong verb form
influence
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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kids
Use synonyms
 to eat them
by
Change preposition
apply
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which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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causes severe health issues in
Use synonyms
children’s
Change noun form
children
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. I believe that government should not encourage
rather
Correct word choice
but rather
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restriction
Replace the word
restrict
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to
Change preposition
apply
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this
Linking Words
 kind of
ads
Fix the agreement mistake
ad
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 and
also
Linking Words
 it’s
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
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 of
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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parents You should think twice before giving
this
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
 to their
children
Use synonyms
.
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: