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Writing Samples
Band 8

Modern technology is now very common in most work places. How do you think this has changed the way we work? Do you think there are disadvantages to relying too much on technology?

#technology #work #places
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Most workplaces are affected by modern
technology
 nowadays. In my opinion,
this
 not only can help in an increase in the production of goods but
also
 revolutionised some industries greatly,
nevertheless
 there are a few disadvantages when these machines are relied on heavily.
Firstly
, it is obvious that modern machines which are used in factories may produce goods faster than humans.
In other words
, more products are produced in an hour which may lead to a significant reduction in costs and,
as a result
, cheaper products.
For example
, one drawing machine may draw 1000 chairs in one hour,
whereas
 a human spends days or weeks. Meanwhile, modern
technology
 is used by manufacturers in order to reduce mistakes which are often made by people.
Secondly
, modern inventions certainly have helped some industries, especially the entertainment industry to reach another level.
That is
 to say, nobody can imagine a movie without a computer graphic which is used so as to make a film more exciting.
Similarly
, computers make production cheaper
while
 using natural scenery is very expensive.
For instance
, almost the whole movie may be recorded in front of a green screen which requires only one pavilion in any country,
nevertheless
, recording of nature requires all crew to be transported to a target place,
such
 as a city, mountain or sea.
On the other hand
, involving a lot of modern
technology
 in workplaces may cause a rise in the unemployment rate because more and more work may be done by machines. At present, because of the development of cybernetics, most industries have downsized, and
therefore
, many people have been laid off.
Besides
 that, in some cases, manufacturing may be stopped if something goes wrong with a power supply.
Hence
, in
this
 case, human roles are still essential. In conclusion,
although
 using modern
technology
 in most workplaces increases productivity and quality, it may cause some serious problems.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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Introduction Development
To enhance your essay, consider expanding your introductory paragraph with more detailed background information or a clearer outline of your discussion points. This improvement can make your essay more engaging and provide a stronger foundation for your arguments.
Argument Balance
When discussing disadvantages, try to balance your essay by elaborating on them as thoroughly as you explore the advantages. This balance will present a well-rounded analysis of the topic.
Transition Use
Incorporate transitional phrases between paragraphs and sections to improve the flow of your essay. This refinement will guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Paragraph Focus
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to maintain clarity and coherence. If necessary, split overly complex paragraphs into smaller sections.
Relevant Examples
Provided relevant, clear examples to support arguments, enhancing the essay's persuasive power.
Effective Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points, reinforcing the essay's arguments.
Clear Position
Maintained a clear position throughout the essay, demonstrating a strong understanding of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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