IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#governments #care #support #people #responsibility #person #retirement
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is plenty of preparations for retirement on many platforms today whether the solutions of having passive income or investment,
although
 not every
people
 can reach these opportunities. In rural areas, there are a lot of elderly
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 need financial support. I personally agree that
governments
 should be a part of
this
 issue to support the retired lives of their citizens.
To begin
 with,
due to
 the fact that not every retirement comes from financial freedom, most of them are the lack ability to work. In older age, physical activities have been interrupted by the degeneration of body functions
such
 as blurry vision, weak muscles, and fragile bones.
Consequently
, most developed countries have solved
this
 problem by supporting the fundamental needs of the elderly. In fact, every country should take care of and service
their citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
its citizens
show examples
, especially those who do not have the ability to work. With regards to the worth returns of these
people
, unquestionably, these retired
people
 all have paid the taxes for the
governments
 and created large productivity for their countries.
Therefore
, they have to be returned with justice and fair costs.
For instance
, a man
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has devoted all of his life to the development of the country has no offspring that look after him in his retired life. To be fair,
this
 kind of person should be supported by the government. In conclusion, I totally agree with providing care and financial support for elderly
people
 by the
governments
 because of the productivity that
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 created for the nation.
Moreover
, it is a basic requirement of
governments
 to take care of and provide convenience for their citizens.
Submitted by pannavit.wor on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay does a good job of presenting your argument clearly, but there is room for improvement in the structure of your introduction and conclusion, and in the logical flow of your ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the task and presented clear and comprehensive ideas. Your examples are relevant and support your main points effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: