IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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There is plenty of preparations for retirement on many platforms today whether the solutions of having passive income or investment,
although
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 not every
people
Use synonyms
 can reach these opportunities. In rural areas, there are a lot of elderly
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 need financial support. I personally agree that
governments
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 should be a part of
this
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 issue to support the retired lives of their citizens.
To begin
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 with,
due to
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 the fact that not every retirement comes from financial freedom, most of them are the lack ability to work. In older age, physical activities have been interrupted by the degeneration of body functions
such
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 as blurry vision, weak muscles, and fragile bones.
Consequently
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, most developed countries have solved
this
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 problem by supporting the fundamental needs of the elderly. In fact, every country should take care of and service
their citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
its citizens
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, especially those who do not have the ability to work. With regards to the worth returns of these
people
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, unquestionably, these retired
people
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 all have paid the taxes for the
governments
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 and created large productivity for their countries.
Therefore
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, they have to be returned with justice and fair costs.
For instance
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, a man
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 has devoted all of his life to the development of the country has no offspring that look after him in his retired life. To be fair,
this
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 kind of person should be supported by the government. In conclusion, I totally agree with providing care and financial support for elderly
people
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 by the
governments
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 because of the productivity that
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 created for the nation.
Moreover
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, it is a basic requirement of
governments
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 to take care of and provide convenience for their citizens.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay does a good job of presenting your argument clearly, but there is room for improvement in the structure of your introduction and conclusion, and in the logical flow of your ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the task and presented clear and comprehensive ideas. Your examples are relevant and support your main points effectively.
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