IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that all workers, regardless of their job or skills, should receive the same salary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays rate of
salary
Use synonyms
is depend
Wrong verb form
depends
show examples
 on
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 kind of occupation
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 the level of skills. In my opinion, I disagree with the context that said all workers should receive the same
salary
Use synonyms
, which means every person in
this
Linking Words
 world will get the same
salary
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every month, no matter how old
are you
Correct word order
you are
show examples
 or how many hours
during
Correct pronoun usage
you
show examples
work
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
First,
Linking Words
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
 motivation is the most
importance
Replace the word
important
 thing to push forward the quality and
also
Linking Words
 the quantity of
work
Use synonyms
. If
everybody
Use synonyms
 gets the same
salary
Use synonyms
,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the quality and the quantity of
work
Use synonyms
 may decrease. Nobody wants to improve their experiences.
Although
Linking Words
 they still have the same position and seniority, it is unfair that
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
 who
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
has worked
show examples
 for a company for
decade
Correct article usage
a decade
show examples
 gets
Use synonyms
money
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 same
as
Check wording
money as
show examples
 a trainee.
Body paragraph 2
Second,
Linking Words
In
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each occupation has different ways, different risks and
also
Linking Words
 different stress
doing
Correct word choice
when doing
show examples
 their jobs. In
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of
steward
Check wording
stewards
show examples
 and
stewardess
Check wording
stewardesses
show examples
, most of
the
Correct article usage
their
show examples
 working time
they
Verb problem
is spent
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 on airplane which has more risks than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
show examples
 on
ground
Correct article usage
the ground
show examples
. Doctors and nurses, they have to
work
Use synonyms
 a lot. Some of them have to do the shift , they
work
Use synonyms
 about twenty-four to forty-eight hours per shift
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is multiple or triple more than others.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 their kinds of
work
Use synonyms
quite have
Correct word order
have quite
show examples
 a lot of stress to deal with.
Compare
Wrong verb form
Compared
show examples
 to teachers, they
work
Use synonyms
 during in-office hour, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 8am to 4 pm. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 they have more
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 to do whatever they want
Body paragraph 3
Some people will think that if
everybody
Use synonyms
 gets
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 amount of
money
Use synonyms
,
so
Correct word choice
then
show examples
 it is fair enough for
every one
Correct your spelling
everyone
. Because they have to spend the
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 eating meals
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 buying essential things. But they didn't think about the effects of
this
Linking Words
 situation. That the
money
Use synonyms
 will not flow enough, like
this
Linking Words
 world is in the stimulation games.
Everybody
Use synonyms
 will not learn how to make more
money
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they will know only how to save
money
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 context. Because
this
Linking Words
 world will
going to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
have no passion, no responsibility.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 it will affects to mental health of
everybody
Use synonyms
 too.

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task response
Your view is clear: you disagree. Keep this view in every main part. Explain more fully why pay should change with skill, risk, hours, and work done.
task response
Some ideas need clearer support. For example, say how equal pay may make skilled workers leave hard jobs, or stop people from learning new skills.
task response
The last main part is less clear. The idea about money not flowing and a game is hard to understand. Use a simple, direct reason instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. This is a good basic plan. Make each main part begin with one clear point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Try: "First", "Also", "For example", "However", and "Therefore". Do not join many ideas with "so".
coherence and cohesion
Keep examples short and closely linked to the point. The parts about air staff, doctors, and teachers should all clearly show why their pay may be different.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences. Write shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you disagree with equal pay for all workers.
task response
You give useful real-life examples, such as doctors, nurses, air staff, trainees, and teachers.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear main parts and a conclusion, so the reader can see your overall plan.
coherence and cohesion
Your first main point about motivation is relevant and easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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