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Band 5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that a certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

#people #retirement #age #eg #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #type #benefit
It has been thought by certain
people
 that the
age
 of
retirement
 that should be managed for everyone, without thinking about occupation is
bias
Wrong verb form
biased
show examples
. In the same way, certain
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 should be considered retiring before other
people
. I agree with
this
 statement. In my opinion,
people
 who have worked in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
risk
Replace the word
risky
show examples
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
, working under pressure that greatly affects health and safety should be required
early
Change preposition
to early
show examples
retirement
age
. First of all, the weakness of the body changes directly with the number of ages. It is unfair to have an old firefighter (e.g. over 60 years
) going
Correct word choice
old) going
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 after a victim inside a building under fire.
While
 a person at
this
age
 normally carries a deep knowledge of the job.
This
 profession must have a strong, healthy body and requires some intense exercise.
Therefore
, they should be positioned and the job characteristics are appropriate for the
age
 range to reduce the risk and problems of work.
Moreover
, In some
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
,
people
 tend to become tired faster after years.
For example
, an individual who is exposed to radiation or toxic
substance
Fix the agreement mistake
substances
show examples
 or
Doctor
Correct article usage
a Doctor
show examples
 who studying is not easy. They invest both time and money when comes to work, they have to spend most of the day caring for the patient
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 until they neglect their own health. So, they should be supported with the feeling of safety, security and health care before
retirement
. In conclusion, I totally agree that some occupations deserve an earlier
retirement
 because there are different levels of stress and risks depending on the kind of
careers
Fix the agreement mistake
career
show examples
.
Submitted by amittawin on

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task achievement
Ensure a balanced approach in discussing both views when the topic asks for agreement or disagreement. While your essay shows clear support, don't forget to briefly acknowledge the other perspective.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of sentence structures for clarity and flow; some sentences may benefit from simplification or rephrasing for better readability.
coherence cohesion
Try to use a broader range of vocabulary related to the topic to strengthen your argument and make your essay more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Revise for grammatical accuracy and to correct misused words or phrases, ensuring your meaning is always clear.
task achievement
Presented a clear opinion in response to the essay question, which was maintained throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Organized ideas logically into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point related to the essay question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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