IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#television #children #two #five #support
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is an argument that
advertisements
Use synonyms
 related to young
children
Use synonyms
 should not be
telecast
Verb problem
broadcast
show examples
 on TV. In my opinion, I radically disagree with the notion that these
advertisements
Use synonyms
 should be banned because not only
they
Add a missing verb
do they
show examples
 educate
people
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 help
children
Use synonyms
 make careers. First and foremost, the most predominant inducement for believing that the promotion of products which include
children
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 2 to 5 should not be stopped because through these
advertisements
Use synonyms
 companies promote baby's products. To be more specific, scores of products are launched day by day and including younger
children
Use synonyms
 in the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 helps a company to convey the process of how a particular product is used.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 enhances the knowledge of
people
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, Tim Copper, from Sheffield Hallam University in the UK, concluded
according to
Linking Words
 his research in 2020 that not only develop trust between the companies and parents beside
this
Linking Words
 parents provide healthier goods and services to their
children
Use synonyms
 which helps them in growth. Moving on, another worth favouring point is that if small
children
Use synonyms
 present any relevant advertisement,
this
Linking Words
 helps them to find out their interest at an earlier stage.
This
Linking Words
 is because promotions on television
also
Linking Words
 increase the fame of a person
due to
Linking Words
 numerous daily soaps hiring young
children
Use synonyms
 for a particular role and
children
Use synonyms
 start making money at a very early
age
Use synonyms
. Through ,
this
Linking Words
 they make their career and become a successful person. To epitomise, The Times published yesteryear that a famous actress
name
Replace the word
named
show examples
 Zarin purchased a lavish house at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 12 to 14 and
this
Linking Words
 only
happens
Wrong verb form
happened
show examples
 because ,from earlier childhood, she performed in a myriad
Change preposition
of
show examples
advertisements
Use synonyms
. Paradoxically, some
people
Use synonyms
 do not like
this
Linking Words
 proposal and condemn it. As they perhaps think that at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 2 to 5
children
Use synonyms
 only learn some basic etiquette rather than involving in any social matter. So, it can be inferred why they stand on another side with different thoughts, despite their role
develop
Wrong verb form
in developing
show examples
 various skills namely communication, social
also
Linking Words
 boosts confidence at an earlier stage. In conclusion, giving roles to
children
Use synonyms
 at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 2-5 is helping them in their development.
Although
Linking Words
 few
people
Use synonyms
 say that
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 for learning social manners, I tend to perceive that, educating new parents and career succession at an early stage are beneficial concepts
due to
Linking Words
 the I am in the favour of including
children
Use synonyms
 in
advertisements
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by parvinderp93 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay shows a clear understanding of the prompt and presents arguments to support the opinion. However, the response could be more focused and directly address the specific reasons and examples outlined in the prompt. It would be beneficial to structure the essay according to the task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates adequate coherence and cohesion, with a logical progression of ideas within paragraphs. However, there is a lack of clear introduction and conclusion that would frame the essay more effectively. Improve the use of cohesive devices to connect ideas more explicitly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: