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Band 5.5

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but most of the time fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

#history #people #society #time #happen
There is an argumentative phenomenon sparking a debate over
an
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a
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 utopia-related issue
whether
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of whether
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 the Earth’s civilizations have had a burning desire to be parts of a flawless
society
,
however
, almost all efforts contribute to
failure’s
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failure
show examples
 occurrences.
This
 essay is dedicated to analyzing the precious value of an ideal
society
, followed by some far-reaching remedies to
this
 dire problem. Without a shadow of a doubt, there is a broad range of beneficial effects on
human
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humans
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 when
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
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 community
to transform
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transforms
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 into a desirable utopia. Undoubtedly,
contemporary
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the contemporary
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 world has suffered numerous alarming problematic situations
such
 as poverty,
contagious
Correct word choice
and contagious
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epidemic
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epidemics
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, and the most urgent one is environmental
degradations
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degradation
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.
Such
 troublesome circumstances can be possibly tackled when living in a perfect
society
, where every ordinary
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 fully
awared
Correct your spelling
aware
 of their responsibilities to join hands and find appropriate solutions. To be more precise, dwellers can nudge into an eco-friendly lifestyle,
for instance
, switching to reusable containers
instead
 of
single-used
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single-use
show examples
plastics
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plastic
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 bags may curb environmental deterioration.
Hence
 an ideal
society
 can help us to handle grave troubles easily.
While
 the redeeming feature of a flawless community is widely acknowledged, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a wealth of ceaseless efforts of high-ranking bureaucrats to create
such
ideal
Correct article usage
an ideal
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society
, especially in
educational
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the educational
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 field. Having an adequate amount of political empowerment, the government should allocate their national coffer to construct more educational conveniences,
such
 as
schoos
Correct your spelling
schools
school
 or universities to provide learning
journey
Fix the agreement mistake
journeys
show examples
 to ordinary residents. By doing so, future generations can thoroughly understand the value of an equal
society
 and the importance of treating others in proper ways. Particularly, Sweden has built a great number of tuition-free universities
such
 as
Stockholmes
Correct your spelling
Stockholm
university
Capitalize word
University
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 to supply
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Swedish
accessibilities
Replace the word
access
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 to education, which can be cited as a compelling instance.
Thus
, despite being comparatively difficult, utopia-making can be solved if political officers
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more national budget on education. In conclusion,
although
 citizens can easily acknowledge the merits of an ideal
society
, it is essential to note that it is the empowered government
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 should take measures in educational facets to completely create one.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
To enhance your Task Achievement score, try to include more detailed and relevant examples. While the mention of Sweden’s tuition-free universities is good, adding more varied examples or case studies from different sectors or countries could strengthen the argument and provide a broader perspective on how an ideal society could be shaped.
coherence cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, aim for more transitional phrases and signposts to guide the reader smoothly through your ideas. While your essay demonstrates a good structure, incorporating phrases like “Furthermore,” “In addition to,” or “Conversely” can help in connecting paragraphs and main points more fluidly.
general
To boost the quality of your essay, consider separating longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones. This will not only help in maintaining the reader's attention but also in expressing your ideas more effectively. A clear and concise writing style enhances both coherence and task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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