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Writing Samples
Band 4

Playing a musical instrument is one of the most important achievements for any child. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

A highly controversial issue today relates to children who have a good ability to play musical instruments. I wholeheartedly disagree with
this
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view
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point
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 of
point
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view
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, as an amazing musician's skill does not matter for life's success. First and foremost, I am inclined to believe that art is more
a
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of a
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hobby for children rather than a great achievement. At their ages, it is far more vital to concentrate on science-related subjects, which is significant to pursue education at a higher level.
Furthermore
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,
a playing
Correct word order
playing a
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 musical instrument is not easy to learn and leads to wasting time that can be spent on more significant activities
such
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 as swimming, doing a puzzle or learning a foreign language. To illustrate, a lot of universities provide students with scholarships for their
exciting
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excellent
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 background in math, chemistry or history,
while
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 children with good performances in music are not so beneficial for the development of the country.
Secondly
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, the social lives of instrument players demonstrate their
lower-income
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lower income
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 compared to singers, football players or salesmen. So, considering a skill in terms of music as a whole-life achievement and
following
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this
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 path until the end of life is unlikely to assist people
earn
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in earning
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 enough money to live with acceptable amenities.
For instance
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, the football player Ronaldo is known as the richest man in the world,
while
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 the talented American guitar player Pat Metheny
was
Wrong verb form
is
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 not as wealthy as Ronaldo.
To conclude
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, the ability to play a musical instrument is not useless,
how
Correct word choice
as
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 can be seen and certainly has benefits too.
However
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, people should set a logical priority to succeed in the developing epoch
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 there are other options that can benefit both individuals and the world.

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coherence
Make one main idea for each paragraph and back it with clear, real examples that fit the task.
coherence
Plan before you write: start with your view in the intro, then write two body parts with a reason each, and finish with a short conclusion that repeats your view. Use simple links to join ideas.
task
Pick better examples that are easy to prove and stay on topic. Avoid big claims that are not true or not connected to the task.
grammar
Check grammar and keep sentences short and clear. This helps readers see your point fast.
content
The writer makes the view clear from the start.
structure
There are sign words to show order, like First and Secondly.
content
There are some useful examples to show a point.
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