IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In many developed countries, life expectancy is rising while birthrates are falling. As a result, the elderly will make up a much larger proportion of the population in future. Is this a positive or negative development?

#countries #life #expectancy #birthrates #proportion #population #future #development
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In recent days, older
people
Use synonyms
survive
Wrong verb form
have survived
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 longer than
the
Change preposition
in the
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 past,
although
Linking Words
 there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 a fall in the percentage of
birth
Fix the agreement mistake
births
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, and the rates of the aged
people
Use synonyms
 in the proportion of
population
Add an article
the population
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 will increase in the future. Though
this
Linking Words
 progress is good for individuals, I think that
this
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 development would
make
Verb problem
have
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Correct article usage
an impacts
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impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
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 on
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 and society.
Firstly
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, if there are rise in the percentage of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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people
Use synonyms
 in the population rate, the number of workforces would decrease.
this
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 is because employees’ age is between 18 to 60 around the world, and
then
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 humans who are over
60-year-old
Correct your spelling
60 years old
 would quit their jobs.
In addition
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, it might generate
recession
Correct article usage
a recession
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 or
slumping
Correct article usage
a slumping
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 of GDP.
According to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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research done in 2018, in
Japan
Add a comma
Japan,
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 mankind who are over 60 might occupy 30%
in
Change preposition
of
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 the population rate in 2040, and it would cause
falling
Correct article usage
a falling
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 GDP
ranks
Correct subject-verb agreement
rank
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 from third to 10th.
Thus
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,
this
Linking Words
 advancement would originate
harmful
Correct article usage
a harmful
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 effect on
economy
Add an article
the economy
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. Another key point that I would like to emphasize is the fact that children will have to spend a lot of money
for
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on
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 older
people
Use synonyms
 in the future because elderlies
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
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 from companies and cannot obtain salaries. It means youngsters have to expend the cost which older
people
Use synonyms
 waste in their lives
such
Linking Words
 as the subsidy for health.
For instance
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, in Japan civilians who are over 60 can acquire money for their lives now,
Linking Words
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
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 there is a likelihood that youngsters cannot be given the subsidy in 2050. In conclusion, even though there is
good
Add an article
a good
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 improvement for
people
Use synonyms
, there would be some adverse results
due to
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this
Linking Words
 development.
Therefore
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, I consider that
this
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 is
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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evolvement
Replace the word
evolution
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.
Submitted by shimamura0116 on

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