IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #people #government #rise #obesity #children
Various controversies have emerged as to whether the surging rate of obesity in
children
 should be attributed to
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
inabillity
Correct your spelling
inability
. In my point of view, I totally disagree with the announcement above, and I will outline my reasons and the actual examples
happened
Correct pronoun usage
that happened
show examples
 in
real
Add an article
the real
show examples
 world in the following paragraphs. First and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
foremost, the
responsibilties
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of teaching healthy
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 and
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 to
children
 is definitely taken by school teachers and
parents
 regarding that they are the closest people to the kids and the
parents
 are even responsible for taking care of
children
 ruled by laws.
Thus
, It is virtually
imposible
Correct your spelling
impossible
 for the
parents
 to avoid the
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
.
In addition
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 doesn't have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to rule or manage
children
's eating. Only
parents
 have the
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to do that. Take a real case
for example
, one
american
Change the capitalization
American
show examples
 family sued their state
govenment
Correct your spelling
government
 because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
children
 in their family purchased food filled with plant oil (which is the main cause of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity) in the national park.
However
,
this
 case ended up
Change preposition
with that
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
government
 did not have any
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for it.
Although
 some may argue that
government
 is responsible for the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
food
selling
Wrong verb form
sold
show examples
 in the country,
while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
lawmakers actually
fined
Wrong verb form
fine
show examples
 over 10,000 cases every year to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
restaurants
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 violate
legislations
Fix the agreement mistake
legislation
show examples
.
However
,
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 incidents still appear when the
restaurants
Change to a genitive case
restaurant's
restaurants'
show examples
 escape
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
 the annual testing and some
parants
Correct your spelling
parents
 are careless of their
children
. In conclusion, the obesity issues in
children
 must not be the
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the governments in terms of
parants
Correct your spelling
parents
is
Correct pronoun usage
who is
show examples
 the ones who
beside
Add a missing verb
are beside
show examples
children
 and know what food they are consuming.
Submitted by aslenxd on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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