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Band 4.5

Experts say if older people spend their time with other people and exercise daily their lives will be happier and healthier. However many elderly are suffering from lack of fitness. Discuss cause and solution.

#experts #people #time #exercise #lives #lack #fitness
Some
people
 believe that these elderly
people
 will be stronger and more delighted
according to
 communicating in social relationships
as well as
 a workout every single day.
Nevertheless
, they are tough to implement in exercise.
This
 essay
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 delve into the reasons behind
this
 and propose certain solutions to deal with the issue. There are several causes
to lead
Verb problem
for
show examples
this
 trend.
Firstly
, for these aged
people
 who are unstable in physical health, it will be hard movement and they conventionally need
to assist
Wrong verb form
assistance
show examples
 from other
people
.
Hence
, they would like
confine
Replace the word
confined
show examples
 in bed for many hours.
Secondly
, they
almost
Rephrase
apply
show examples
spend many
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 staying at home, which is a reason why I don’t have many outside relationships leading to
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
can’t
Verb problem
not being able to
show examples
 associate communication and gradually
Add a missing verb
being
show examples
isolated and
boredom
Correct your spelling
bored
show examples
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in their life. Fortunately,
having
Wrong verb form
we have
show examples
 some solutions which make
this
 decision. First of all, the government need to encourage about positive lifestyle for old
people
 and
then
 celebrate some activities which must be suitable in terms of their movement
as well as
 provide these policies which serve and assistance by these volunteers who always stay with them in order to share and talk.
Furthermore
, it’s based on
this
 plan that they
also
 have friends more and treatment for mental health which will no longer feel sole. In conclusion, older
people
 have a trend about sedentary and isolated
due to
 age-related sicknesses that restrict movement issues. In my opinion, they need to participate in these activities in society in order to have good physicality and meet new
people
.
Submitted by huuhung1962001 on

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task response
Your response partially addresses the task prompt. Make sure to fully discuss both the causes and solutions in relation to the lack of exercise among elderly people.
coherence cohesion
There is a general organization and logical flow in your essay. However, try to provide more cohesive and coherent arguments by providing clear topic sentences and developing your ideas fully.
lexical resource
Your lexical range is limited, and there are some errors in word choice and expression. Try to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and use more precise and appropriate language.
grammatical range
Your grammatical range is acceptable, but there are some errors in sentence structure and verb tense consistency. Be mindful of your grammar and revise your sentences for clarity and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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