IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Something that is more important for children to engage in outdoor activities instead of playing video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #activities #video #games
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It is often argued that
children
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 should spend more
time
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 on outdoor
activities
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 than on computer games. I agree with
this
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 opinion and I will defend my stand with valid arguments in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, taking part in outdoor
activities
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 enhances
children
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’s physical
wellbeing
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well-being
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. As a growing number of
children
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 follow a sedentary lifestyle, their health conditions are getting worse.
However
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, if
children
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 can engage themselves in outdoor
activities
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, they will spend less
time
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 in front of screens, which
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 them to
breath
Replace the word
breathe
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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fresh air and build up a strong immune system.
For example
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,
according to
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 a survey conducted by Peking University, after the introduction of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily outdoor
activities
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 to students, the youngsters’ obesity rate has decreased by 20% and fewer of them have vision disorder
problem
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problems
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.
Hence
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, it is obvious that being exposed to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fresh air and workout is crucial for
children
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’s health.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 can improve their interpersonal
skills
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 by joining in outdoor
activities
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.
This
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 is to say,
instead
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 of playing
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
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 in front of screens,
children
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 have more chances to have face-to-face interactions with their peers when they spend
time
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 outdoors.
Consequently
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,
children
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 are more likely to communicate with others confidently
as well as
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 establish empathy, which are crucial social
skills
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 in adult life. Meanwhile, many outdoor
activities
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 require teamwork, and
this
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also
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 prepares
children
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 for the workplace where they have to cooperate with one another.
For instance
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,
a
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apply
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psychological research shows that
children
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 who were interested in outdoor
activities
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 at an early age tend to grow up into extrovert individuals, with excellent social
skills
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 and promising careers.
Therefore
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, it is important for
children
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 to spend enough
time
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 engaging with peers
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 outdoor
activities
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. In conclusion,
this
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 essay discussed that engaging in outdoor
activities
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 can not only improve
children
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’s physical fitness
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 cultivate their social
skills
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. I highly recommend
children
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 to spend
time
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 with friends in outdoor
activities
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 rather than playing
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
.
Submitted by pawanpreetkaur653 on

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