IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is inevitable that the world
has
Wrong verb form
will have
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 fewer wars compared to the old
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
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 in most regions.
However
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, the shortage of natural resources
as well as
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 religious issues are undergoing which could potentially foster wars. I personally disagree with the suggestion of a nation to stop supporting its armed
forces
Use synonyms
, since it could put them into vulnerable situations.
To begin
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 with, armed
forces
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 accounted for a large proportion of government spending in most nations, including training soldiers and purchasing weapons. Many opponents believe it could have better use to either improve local education environments or advance medical systems. Take North Korea as an example, the government invest a tidy sum of money to empower its armed
forces
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,
in contrast
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, the majority of residents are living under the poverty line.
On the other hand
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, the threat of invading by other countries has never stopped despite the reduction in frequency, and military
forces
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 play an essential role in defending their territories. Take the
undergoing
Correct word choice
ongoing
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 war between Ukraine and Russia as an example, if Ukraine had no armed force, they would have lost their country on the arrival of the opponent's army.
In addition
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, the military force could be helpful when encountering major incidents, including natural catastrophes or human-caused chaos.
For example
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, one of the main cities in Taiwan
experience
Wrong verb form
experienced
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 a tragic incident years ago when underground gas systems were explored
due to
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 an accident and destroyed a large part of the city, including roads and buildings, the military
forces
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 were involved
to rescue
Change preposition
in rescuing
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 thousands of individuals. To summarise, it is true that we are living in a relatively peaceful era, which makes the money spent on the armed
forces
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 seem unnecessary. Reversely, training the military and preparing weapons could take a long time, and it will be too late to start when threats are approaching.
Therefore
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, in my perspective, there is a necessity for governments to trade in a great amount of money for the perks of national safety.

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task response
The essay contains relevant ideas and examples but lacks a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat weak, and the essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion.
lexical resource
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and demonstrates some ability to express ideas clearly.
grammatical range
The essay contains a variety of sentence structures but also has some grammatical errors that affect clarity.
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