IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

There are social medical and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What form do they take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of mobile phones?

#phones #form
In today’s highly fast-paced lifestyle, life without the presence of
mobile
Add an article
a mobile
show examples
phone
 is hard to imagine. Cell
phones
 pose lots of
benefits
 against the inherent risk, just like any other equipment. I believe,
although
Correct word choice
that although
show examples
 problems like social issues, and health problems are present, the
benefits
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
far outweigh the
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
.
People
 have long debated the numerous risks associated with the use of cell
phones
.
Firstly
, it develops a social web wherein
people
 are glued to their cellphones for longer hours, at times luring them into bad online habits.
For instance
,
people
 at times fall in love with a fake person all because of easy access to social media platforms through mobile
phones
.
Secondly
, prolonged use of
phones
 causes eye fatigue ,especially in small kids leading to eye diseases and loss of vision in the
longer
Correct word choice
long
show examples
 run.
Also
, continuous
phone
usage
 either in terms of gaming or scrolling leads to carpal tunnel syndrome and thumb mobility issues from a young age.
Additionally
, individuals are now more exposed to electromagnetic and infrared waves.
Hence
, owing to the numerous risks posed by the
usage
, proper care and caution need to be followed with
phone
usage
. Contrary,
phones
 pose endless
benefits
 which are quite necessary in
this
 fast-paced world and current lifestyle. First and foremost, it provides connectivity and communication facilities between
people
 across the globe.
This
 is very beneficial for immigrants talking to their family members,
working
Correct word choice
and working
show examples
 remotely.
Moreover
, with the advancements in cellphone technology
along with
 the Internet,
people
 now can study on the
phone
, pursue business
such
 as stock trading, and perform digital banking and payment transactions with just a press of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 button.
Lastly
, it provides enormous convenience by combining functionalities of computers, cameras, books etc. in a palm-sized device. Owing, to these
benefits
, it’s hard to keep one away from a
phone
. All in all, to stay competitive and connected with the rest of the world,
usage
Correct article usage
the usage
show examples
 of
phones
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 never been to
such
 elevated levels.
Phones
 do pose considerable drawbacks,
however
, considering the
benefits
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
, it’s hard to keep ourselves disassociated from
phones
. With proper care and attention to reckless and unjustifiable
usage
, the
benefits
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
far outweigh the risks
extremely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by harshdpatel34 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Ensure that the essay addresses all aspects of the prompt and stays focused on the topic. Expand on the discussion of social, medical, and technical problems linked to mobile phone use, and clearly express the writer's stance on whether the problems outweigh the benefits.
Coherence & Cohesion
Pay attention to the organization of ideas and use of cohesive devices to improve overall coherence and cohesion. Ensure that the introduction clearly introduces the topic and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: