IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health.

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
Cause
 of modern
technologies
,
people
 stopped doing physical activities,
therefore
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is having
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
negative implications on their liveliness. As far as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
,
people
's
health
 is
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 thing but without new
inventions
Add a comma
,inventions
show examples
 our
life
 might be more
difficultly
Change the word
difficult
show examples
,
furthermore
Add a comma
,furthermore
show examples
 I agree with
point
Add an article
the point
show examples
 that modern
technologies
not
Add the comma(s)
,not
show examples
 all the time can harm
people
's liveliness.
To begin
 with, as we know, everything depends on
people
's choice,
consequently
Add a comma
,consequently
show examples
 if they want to do physical activities. they will do it. Even with new
technologies
, exercises might be more fun,
such
 as doing exercises using telephones,
listening
Correct word choice
or listening
show examples
Change preposition
to musics
show examples
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
.
In addition
, we cannot blame
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 destroying
people
's
health
. All the time, they have made a difficult
life
 much easier. In
long distance
Add a hyphen
long-distance
show examples
road
Fix the agreement mistake
roads
show examples
,
people
 use vehicles
such
 as
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
electromobiles
Correct your spelling
electro mobiles
, local transport and trams.
As a result
, new inventions help us all the time. As there are pluses in using new
technologies
, there are
also
 bad sides. First and foremost,
people
 use vehicles
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 short distances too, when they can go
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 foot and maintain their
health
,
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
 they can
cause
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on their
health
. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand,
cause
 of electro vehicles
people
 can get in trouble,
consequently
 accident can
cause
 a person to put an end to his
life
, but it depends on raising speed. In conclusion, I still believe, liveliness is
foremost
Add an article
the foremost
show examples
 thing
however
 our
life
 could be more
arduously
Change the word
arduous
show examples
cause
 of no
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
. I totally agree, that new inventions are very beneficial things in our
life
,
therefore
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe, that they cannot be the reason for destroying
people
's
health
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: