IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health.

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
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Cause
Use synonyms
 of modern
technologies
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 stopped doing physical activities,
therefore
Linking Words
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is having
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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negative implications on their liveliness. As far as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am
concern
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
 is
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 thing but without new
inventions
Add a comma
,inventions
show examples
 our
life
Use synonyms
 might be more
difficultly
Change the word
difficult
show examples
,
Linking Words
furthermore
Add a comma
,furthermore
show examples
 I agree with
point
Add an article
the point
show examples
 that modern
technologies
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not
Add the comma(s)
,not
show examples
 all the time can harm
people
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's liveliness.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, as we know, everything depends on
people
Use synonyms
's choice,
Linking Words
consequently
Add a comma
,consequently
show examples
 if they want to do physical activities. they will do it. Even with new
technologies
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, exercises might be more fun,
such
Linking Words
 as doing exercises using telephones,
listening
Correct word choice
or listening
show examples
Change preposition
to musics
show examples
musics
Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, we cannot blame
Use synonyms
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 destroying
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
. All the time, they have made a difficult
life
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 much easier. In
long distance
Add a hyphen
long-distance
show examples
road
Fix the agreement mistake
roads
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,
people
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 use vehicles
such
Linking Words
 as
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
electromobiles
Correct your spelling
electro mobiles
, local transport and trams.
As a result
Linking Words
, new inventions help us all the time. As there are pluses in using new
technologies
Use synonyms
, there are
also
Linking Words
 bad sides. First and foremost,
people
Use synonyms
 use vehicles
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 short distances too, when they can go
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 foot and maintain their
health
Use synonyms
,
as a
Linking Words
result
Add the comma(s)
,result
show examples
 they can
cause
Use synonyms
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on their
health
Use synonyms
. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand,
cause
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 of electro vehicles
people
Use synonyms
 can get in trouble,
consequently
Linking Words
 accident can
cause
Use synonyms
 a person to put an end to his
life
Use synonyms
, but it depends on raising speed. In conclusion, I still believe, liveliness is
foremost
Add an article
the foremost
show examples
 thing
however
Linking Words
 our
life
Use synonyms
 could be more
arduously
Change the word
arduous
show examples
cause
Use synonyms
 of no
Use synonyms
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
. I totally agree, that new inventions are very beneficial things in our
life
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe, that they cannot be the reason for destroying
people
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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