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Band 5

4.It’s more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#it’s #school #children #history #world
There is currently a contentious argument over whether studying local
history
 has
more
Add an article
a more
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 crucial role to play in the knowledge acquisition process of kids than learning
world
history
. I partially agree with
this
 opinion which I will elaborate more
in
Change preposition
on in
show examples
this
 essay. The main reason why I believe that studying
local
Correct article usage
the local
show examples
 past is being compromised is because facts and figures in local
history
 can help these young individuals to pay homage to former soldiers and ancestors who had sacrificed their lives for the independence of the country.
As well as
this
,
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
learning the local past might develop
children
 to understand thoroughly the origin and meaning of traditional events, customs and so on of their motherland, so they can maintain the valuable tradition for the next generation. To exemplify, by watching and listening
the
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to the
show examples
 video of
proclamation
Correct article usage
the proclamation
show examples
 recitation by Ir. Soekarno,
Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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 might
can
Remove a modal verb
apply
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understand the value of freedom and respect the sacrifice of their ancestor.
On the other hand
, there are several reasons why is wrong to neglect teaching
of
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apply
show examples
world
history
 to
children
.
Firstly
, in the globalisation era, knowing about
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of other countries
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
might be beneficial.
This
 is because
,
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apply
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 people are prone to revere and support people who express
respectfulness
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respect
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of
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for
show examples
 the local culture and
history
 of other countries.
Consequently
, it provides more opportunities for
children
 to work and make friends with foreigners.
Secondly
, Studying the
world
’s
history
also
 broadens
children
’s
horizon
Fix the agreement mistake
horizons
show examples
particularly
Add the comma(s)
,particularly
show examples
 in
language
Correct article usage
the language
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, mindset and behaviour of each people in other nations
in
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apply
show examples
which
it
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apply
show examples
helps them to learn in terms of accepting divergent cultures and customs that exist to be more
tolerance
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tolerant
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 and life more interesting. In conclusion, it is my belief that
although
 local
history
 is more necessary,
world
history
 has an important role. I am convinced that the study of local
history
 should parallel
world
history
 so that
children
 could apprehend
history
 more effectively.
Submitted by arif.purnomo.aji on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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