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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The diagram below shows the water cycle, which is the continuous movement of water on, above and below the surface of the Earth.

The diagram below shows the water cycle, which is the continuous movement of water on, above and below the surface of the Earth.
Two pie charts illustrate several employment patterns in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 in 1992.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 more female workers are employed in
non manual
Use the right word
non-manual
show examples
 jobs than
males
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, both
women
Use synonyms
 and men work almost exclusively in other manual and general
labors
Use the right word
labour
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, fewer females engage in craft or similar fields than
males
Use synonyms
. A hefty 69 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of employees are
women
Use synonyms
 in
non manual
Use the right word
non-manual
show examples
labor
Use the right word
labour
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 just under
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of men work in the identical category, out of
this
Linking Words
 total
6
Punctuation problem
, 6
show examples
per
cent
Use synonyms
 operate in clerical or related areas, which is almost a five of the corresponding figure for
women
Use synonyms
. The proportion of female individuals in
general
Correct article usage
the general
show examples
labor
Use the right word
labour
show examples
 as
little
Correct word choice
low
show examples
 as male workers in the same sector. The figures were 1 per
cent
Use synonyms
 and
two
Correct your spelling
2
 per
cent
Use synonyms
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
. Meanwhile, for other physical
works
Add a comma
works,
show examples
 the pattern appears to be slightly different. The percentage of female employees amounts to 27 per
cent
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of
males
Use synonyms
 is just under
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one per
cent
Use synonyms
. Craft or similar employment is more widely spread among men than
women
Use synonyms
. The proportion of female workers amounts to 3 per
cent
Use synonyms
, which is one in eight of
males
Use synonyms
 in craft
based
Use the right word
craft-based
show examples
 industry

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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, women, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amounts" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • evaporation
  • transpiration
  • condensation
  • precipitation
  • aquifers
  • percolation
  • surface runoff
  • replenishing
  • infiltrates
  • atmosphere
  • vapor
  • liquid
  • cycle
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