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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many young children are spending large amount of time in front of screens. What are the causes of this and what other problems does it lead to?

It is generally known that adolescents are spending prolonged hours in front of screens.
This
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 essay will discuss the negative effects of
this
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 and what other issues
this
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 problem brings.
To begin
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 with, computers, television and phones have had a determined effect on young people. Nowadays adolescents are choosing to socialise online rather than face to face.
Furthermore
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, the excessive use of social media and new play games makes children
to
Change the verb form
apply
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choose
Add the particle
choose to
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 stay the whole afternoon in front of a screen
instead
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 of going out with their peers.
For instance
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, in a recent quiz made in Uruguay, 80% of the young population prefer to spend time playing games rather than being with their friends.
As a result
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,
youth
Correct your spelling
young
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 people not only spend the day isolated but
also
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 do not pay enough attention in school. They are not focusing
while
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 they are in class.
Moreover
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,
this
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 is particularly concerning for teenagers who,
instead
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 of
making
Verb problem
doing
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 tasks that the teacher sent, opt to stay with their phone and not
fulfil
Verb problem
do
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 the homework. A good example is an interview
that
Change preposition
in
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 a well-known
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 program
made
Verb problem
apply
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with teachers from all over South America, all of them agreed about the lack of attention their students have
while
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there
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 are in class. In conclusion, the excessive amount of time in front of screens that children spend is
due to
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 all the new social media and games that technology has been developing in the
last
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 years,
this
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 leads to isolation and a lack of focus on their studies.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Provide a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to clearly connect your ideas and points for better flow, especially between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Expand on your examples with more details or explanations to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly identifies the issue of screen time and discusses its effects, which is a relevant topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Good structure with clear introduction, body, and conclusion, maintaining an organized flow of ideas.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive screen time
  • digital devices
  • interactive content
  • remote learning
  • social interaction
  • engagement
  • convenience
  • traditional playtime
  • screen dependency
  • educational purposes
  • video games
  • streaming services
  • captivate
  • shift in daily routines
  • peer connection
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